[i]So, here's some writing about Final Fantasy 13, inspired by Spoony's Games in a Nutshell reviews. This is the latest game in the Final Fantasy series, and so far, I'm not really impressed with anything but the graphics. Off we go!

You start off seeing a train travelling through a few places. It's carrying a bunch of prisoners in cloaks, being watched by a bunch of soldiers. Two prisoners seem to be up to something.

Lightning: I'm the main character. I look like Ashe and a female Cloud Strife. I'm also an ex-soldier and use a sword gunblade, though plain old guns would be a far better choice.
Sazh: I'm another main character. I carry a baby chocobo in my afro, and I use two pistols. I'm here to help you, I guess?
Lightning: Quiet. I have to do some eye candy fighting.

Lightning proceeds to kick the crap out of the soldiers while defying gravity and physics, which frees the prisoners. You get some eye candy FMV of what looks like a city, fighter jets (dragons?) shooting the train, and Lightning looking around. She blasts a fighter jet dragon with a rocket launcher that happened to be found by Sazh. The train is then attacked by a giant, flying scorpion robot.

Sazh: What the hell are we supposed to do here?!
Lightning: We attack it by going through a bunch of tutorials, of course.
Sazh: Can't we skip the tutorials?
Lightning: Yeah, but it'll result in frustration.

Azul Rojo: I feel sorry for any poor bastard who tries to play this without an instruction manual or tutorials. This battle system is a bit painful, and you can't flee from enemies.

Lightning and Sazh kick the robot's ass. It falls into a gaping pit which spans the bottom of the city, for some reason.

Sazh: Yay! We win! So, I'm going to follow you. Oh, and I can talk to the baby chocobo in my hair.
Lightning: Don't really care. Oh, by the way, here's another tutorial. This one's about the camera.

Azul Rojo: A tutorial. For using the camera, which is controlled with the right analog stick. Oddly, it and character movement handle like crap. Skipping this "tutorial."

After several more battles and gravity-defying jumps, Lightning and Sazh reach a bridge, only to see it blown to smithereens. Lightning attempts to fly away, but Sazh pulls her down, which results in him getting beat up a bit.

Sazh: Hey! I said I'm following you, so stop hitting me and let me go with you! I can't possibly get out of here by myself!
Lightning: What the hell? You broke my magic flying machine gizmo. Dick.
Sazh: Hey, we can just use that elevator bridge over there.
Lightning: So why didn't you use it in the first place?

The two of them get onto the bridge, then run into more soldiers and Boba Fett an officer.

Officer: SURRENDER SO THINGS DON'T GET UGLY.
Sazh: What's that mean?
Lightning: He wants to kill us. Duh.
Officer: DIEDIEDIEDIE! *charges at Lightning*
Lightning: Guess what?
Sazh: Another tutorial?
Lightning: That's right.

Enemies get their asses kicked, of course.

Sazh: So, what's your deal, anyway?
Lightning: I'm going after the fal'Cie. Happy you followed me?
Sazh: I didn't have a choice.

Azul Rojo: So, if you don't know who the fal'Cie are, that's okay. There's no mention of them until this point, unless you looked at the instruction manual, read the datalog, or loaded a save game. The datalog is an encyclopedia overloaded with information on enemies, game setting, and plot. Didn't Star Ocean 3 do this already? Also, while you're loading a saved game, the screen displays bits about the plot that weren't mentioned during the game. Honestly, Square-Enix. What happened to explaining things in an interesting way during the story? Why do I have to load my save file or go through an encyclopedia to learn these things? Bah. On with the game.

Scene changes to a bunch of people fighting soldiers, and some guy babbling about certain people in Cocoon being relocated to Pulse, the world below Cocoon. He mentions that their sacrifice will keep Cocoon safe and peaceful, and keep others from being exposed to the dangers in the lower world. The guy continues babbling, but then someone kicks in a nearby radio, ending the speech.

Yuj: Screw that. Guy's full of shit, obviously.
Snow: Yeah, now calm down. By the way, I'm another main character. I have no relation to Seifer in Kingdom Hearts II, even though I look like a much older version of him. I punch things. Yuj, you get to stay here and help these civilians because you're an NPC.
Yuj: Okay!

Snow goes to meet up with some more of his allies. They complain for a bit until Snow shows up and gives them a pep talk. Wakka and Lulu look-alikes Gadot and Lebreau join him to fight off some enemies, then help some civilians about to be exiled.

Snow: So, is everyone okay?
Civilians: Guess so.
Snow: Good. We'll clear a path for y-
Civilians: No! We want to fight, too!
Snow: Oh, okay. Cool! Grab a weapon!
Lady: Hey, I've got my kid Hope with me. I'm gonna help you fight, too. Moms are tough.
Snow: Oh, that's cool. Here, have a gun. Okay, one weapon left. Who wants it?
Hope: No way! I'm totally scared, being a young kid/main character and all.
Vanille: Hey, I'm an obligatory cute girl with a happy attitude! I'm also on the young side. I'll take the gun!
Snow: Uh...really?
Vanille: Bang! Hee hee!
Snow: Okay, then! You look after these people. The rest of us will go kick ass!

Snow and his allies continue forward, and meet up with the civilians who pushed ahead. Snow and his party fight off a huge robot dog, and then a huge warship comes to attack. Most of the civilians are slaughtered.

Snow: Well, shit!
Gadot: Yeah, we're screwed now.
Snow: No, wait! There's a rocket launcher conveniently lying in the warship's path!

Snow jumps for the rocket launcher, but fails to pick it up. He's about to get shot, but Hope's mom got the rocket launcher and shot the warship. An explosion then rips up the bridge, knocking her flying, and sending several people falling to their deaths. Snow manages to catch Hope's mom; however, they're both stuck dangling from a piece of metal sticking out of the bridge.

Snow: Crap, now I'm hanging off a ledge, and I don't know if I can hold on to you, too.
Hope's Mom: I'm gonna die, anyway. Keep my kid safe, and bring him home, okay?

Hope's mom falls into the pit, along with more people. Snow loses his grip on the bridge, and also falls. Hope and Vanille watch from a distance as this happens.

Hope: What just happened?!
Vanille: ... *smacks Hope*
Hope: Ow!
Vanille: Come on. We have to go.

Azul Rojo: So, we have more falling into pits to split up the party, and a ton of tragic death to help with character development. Snow just relived a certain moment in FF7. Way to go, Square-Enix. My faith in this game is quickly failing.

The game goes back to Lightning and Sazh, who are on some sort of airship, discussing the big attack they just saw.

Sazh: That was a massacre.
Lightning: Of course.
Sazh: What?
Lightning: The sanctum conjured up a Purge to eliminate a threat. Why carry a danger all the way to Pulse? Get rid of it here.
Sazh: Did you know this was gonna happen?
Lightning: No. The Purge was PSICOM Troops, not the Guardian Corps.
Sazh: Whatever. Soldiers are soldiers. Pulse fal'Cie and their l'Cie are enemies of the state.

Their conversation continues until they're attacked by a flying bot. Ass-kicking ensues. When the bot is defeated, a siren goes off in the distance. An announcement blasts over loud speakers, telling the deportees to surrender immediately. A big
ass machine comes down from the very top of the city. The scene changes, and you see Snow climbing on some rubble. He's looking for someone named Serah. Lightning and Sazh are watching the big ass machine.

Sazh: Just what you were looking for.
Lightning: Yeah. Right in there.
Sazh: The Pulse fal'Cie. Huh.

Over to Vanille, Hope, and some other civilians who are also looking at the machine. Vanille throws off the exile robe she was wearing, then giggles and smiles at Hope. She then picks up a gun and hands it to Hope.

Vanille: Here!
Hope: Uh...
Vanille: *hugs Hope* It's too much, isn't it? Face it later! Ciao!
Hope: Huh? Uh, hey! Wait!

Hope and Vanille run off. Scene goes back to the big ass machine for a moment, then back to Lightning and Sazh.

Sazh: How're the Pulse fal'Cie different from the Sanctum's? I'll keep wondering about that.
Baby Chocobo: Kweh!
Lightning: Jump time!
Sazh: What?
Lightning: Eye candy and physics warping stuff, of course.

Lightning jumps, then snaps her fingers to activate her flying magic thing. Instead of flying, though, she somehow uses the magic to break her fall.

Sazh: Damn. Well, I guess we can do that too, even though we don't posses the sparkly magic thing.
Baby Chocobo: Kweh!

Sazh tries to hang off the platform, but slips. His fall is broken by a platform of electricity that Lightning left behind.

Azul Rojo: Wasn't that magic flying thing broken just 10 minutes ago? And how the fuck does lightning magic break a fall and help you fly? This would've made more sense if the lady used wind magic. But, Square-Enix hasn't liked to make sense lately.

Back to Snow, who's helping Gardot get up by slapping him in the face. Dead people are everywhere on the platform.

Gadot: What about the others?
Snow: *sigh*
Gadot: They're not dead, right?
Snow: Of course not.
Gadot: Dude, get a grip. What's wrong?
Snow: Trying to remember who I'm supposed to look after. That woman who died said to "get him home."

Suddenly, a huge piece of the big ass machine breaks off. Snow tosses Gadot a gun, and Gadot promptly aims it at him.

Snow: What the hell?
Gadot: What are you afraid of? You're the hero. Your bride-to-be is over there. Shouldn't you go pick her up?
Snow: Oh, right! Hey, those ships over there will be our ride.

Azul Rojo: Still no idea what that big ass machine is, so I'm just going to keep calling it that. I probably could find out by looking at the datalog, but fuck that. I'm going to play this like any other RPG: I'm only going to look at the datalog for enemy data and gameplay tips. I'll not be looking at plot-related info, because I shouldn't have to in the first place. On a side note, I played FF12 for a bit today. I can now confirm FF13's character and camera controls are delayed and slippery. And no, it's not the controller. It's fully charged, and isn't even a year old.

Snow and Gadot plow reach the ships, then cruise around and catch up with their other allies. Hope and Vanille soon show up, and Snow notices Hope.

Vanille: Didn't you have something to tell him?
Hope: Yeah.
Vanille: Let's go, then! Go go go!
Hope: I'm going to be all scared and everything.
Vanille: Okay, I'll call him over!

Snow flies off before Vanille can get his attention. Gadot left a ship behind, and Vanille and Hope take a look at it.

Vanille: Hey, do you know how to fly this?
Hope: I guess so. Most kids can do this sort of thing in these situations, anyway.
Vanille: Oh yeah! Well, in you go! Now let's go that big machine.
Hope: If we go in there, that thing could make us l'Cie.
Gadot: Hey, what are you two doing?!
Hope: Well, time to go!

Hope and Vanille take off before Gadot can do anything. They head right for the big ass machine. They soon crash, and the ship is ruined.

Vanille: I guess it's just us here.
Hope: Well, even soldiers know not to go near the fal'Cie. If you become a Pulse l'Cie, you're finished.
Vanille: Well, I'm just going to be happy some more, and act like I don't care!

Vanille finds a staff/whip thing, and starts dancing around with it, which attracts the attention of a robot guard dog. The two of them proceed to kick the bot's ass. They soon find Snow's ship, and start talking again.

Hope: You know we're going to be in deep trouble if anyone finds us, right?
Vanille: La la la, happy happy!
Hope: Do you even know what could happen? Do you care? Pulse is hell on earth!
Vanille: Yeah, yeah! fal'Cie are bad. Hanging around them curses you, and then no one wants to be near you. Then you become an l'Cie, and have to go to Pulse. See? I actually know and care! We'll be fine, though!

The two of them soon hear Snow looking for Serah. The scene switches to Snow, who is busy searching another room.

Azul Rojo: So, two kids bust into a place that most people wouldn't dare go near. One of them is having a great time, and doesn't seem to care that things could go really, really bad. The way the game's going so far, you KNOW things are going to end badly. Current amount of faith I have in this game: 80% and falling.

Snow gets to a room-changing platform. Lightning and Sazh are busy elsewhere, trying to open a glowing, red door.

Lightning: This is all my fault.
Sazh: Uh, what?
Lightning: Cover your ears.
Sazh: Gonna blast the door open? Okay! *ducks and plugs ears*
Lightning: No. I'm going to say I'm sorry and beg it to open. *door opens*
Sazh: Eh? Woah, what'd you do?
Lightning: Shut up and have a tutorial.

Meanwhile, Snow is busy in another room, also fighting enemies. He eventually gets on an elevator that takes him lower into the building. Vanille and Hope hear him yelling on the elevator, but still have no clue where he is.

Hope: What a dick. He's calling himself a "hero."
Vanille: He's coming this way. Don't you still need to talk to him?
Hope: I don't know what to say.
Vanille: Well, then how about we just run away?
Hope: We can't, because that would end the story. Hey, why does your accent keep coming and going?
Vanille: Don't know. Let's keep going.

They soon come across a batch of weird-looking monsters with a glowy, red eye thing on their chests.

Hope: What are these things?!
Vanille: Cie'th. This is what happens to l'Cie who don't finish tasks given to them by fal'Cie.
Hope: Well, we're screwed since they're surrounding us.
Snow: ARRRRRRGH!

Enemy ass kicking ensues.

Snow: How did you get here? You should leave. Actually, go hide somewhere and keep quiet. I'll come get you when I find Serah.
Vanille: Who's Serah?
Snow: My future wife. She's a Pulse l'Cie. She's with the fal'Cie, so I'm going to find her.
Hope: Why the hell are you helping a l'Cie?! Don't you know they're the enemy?! How can you save them and not...not...that's insane!
Snow: Well, I've gotta do something. I'll be back.
Vanille: Should we wait for him?
Hope: Screw him! Why's this happening to me?! Mom and I were visiting a city in Cocoon, and then people found a fal'Cie! Then we got thrown on that train, and because of Snow, mom's.... If you haven't noticed, I'm the new whiney kid.
Snow: Oh, wait. I probably shouldn't leave kids alone. Let's go!
Vanille: Come on, Hope. Let's go with him. Oh, and you should talk to him.

Back to Sazh and Lightning.

Sazh: Did you come here for a fight?
Lightning: My sister, and she's a Pulse l'Cie. The fal'Cie has her captive somewhere, so I'm going to find her.
Sazh: What'd she have to do? Not "blow up Cocoon," right?
Lightning: I didn't ask.

A door opens, and Cie'th are on the other side.

Sazh: Oh, just so you know, any l'Cie that don't complete their tasks turn into those things. And you can't turn a l'Cie back into a human. So, even if your sister does complete her focus, she's screwed.
Lightning: Oh, so you're saying anyone who becomes a l'Cie should be wiped off of Cocoon? People like you started this Purge junk. You racist.

Azul Rojo: So, I run past a bunch of Cie'th, and end up running into 2 big fuckers at the end of a hall. My ass gets kicked, and I'm not even 4 hours into the game. You might be thinking I'm too low-levelled, but here's the thing: enemies do NOT award EXP or Gil. You do get fully healed at the end of each fight, but no way of levelling up at this point in the game. Got through the two bastards on a 2nd try, at least. So, yeah...rooms full of enemies serve no purpose, other than they MIGHT drop items for you. Great, Square-Enix. My faith in this game has fallen even more.

Lightning and Sazh eventually find Serah, who's laying unconscious on the floor.

Lightning: Okay, let's go!
Sazh: That girl's a l'Cie. She's got a brand on her arm. *goes for a pistol*
Lightning: No shit! What'd I tell you just 5 minutes ago?
Sazh: Well, she's an enemy now. And if she fails her Focus, you know what'll happen.
Lightning: So, killing her is a mercy, then?
Serah: Oh, hey. I'm awake now.
Snow: Serah! Let's get out of here!
Lightning: Hey, piss off, buddy. I'm taking her home.
Snow: Calm down, sis.
Lightning: Don't call me that. This is all your fault, you know!
Serah: You can save and protect us all. Save Cocoon.
Lightning: THAT'S your Focus?
Snow: We'll do whatever we can, okay?

Serah transforms into a crystal.

Vanille: Huh? Why's that happening?
Hope: She fulfilled her Focus, so she turns into a crystal and gains eternal life.
Snow: Sweet dreams, Serah.
Lightning: She's dead, you idiot!
Snow: No, she's not. Remember that legend? Crystallized people gain eternal life! And we're supposed to get married, so she's not dead!
Lightning: *punches Snow* SHE'S DEAD. LIVE WITH IT, DICKHEAD.

The entire room starts to shake. Outside, several fighter dragon jets are moving the big ass machine, and plan to destroy it. The army starts firing all their weapons at it, causing it to start crumbling. Back inside, the room is starting to crumble. The shaking eventually stops, and a door behind the group opens. Everyone soon goes through the door. They wind up in a room with a giant machine, which is the fal'Cie.

Snow: Serah finished her mission, so let her go!
fal'Cie: . . .
Snow: I'll be your l'Cie!
Lightning: Oh, fuck this. It doesn't care!

Lightning tries to slash the machine, but her gunblade does nothing to it. The fal'Cie's true form is soon revealed: a huge robot with crystal parts. Lightning, Snow, and Sazh attack it.

Azul Rojo: Gee, another game over! If the party leader dies, that's it. Your allies don't use potions, so you have to have Lightning use them. And due to the enemy smashing you nigh constantly with attacks that hit for 40 to 80 damage each time, you're going to be popping a lot of potions. It doesn't help that Lightning is a strong attacker, and you have to use her as a healer. Who the fuck designed this battle system, and why are people saying it's so much fun? Yet more over-hyped bullcrap.

When the fal'Cie is defeated, Lightning, Sazh, and Snow find themselves floating around a dark room. The fal'Cie has grown even larger. It binds everyone with energy chains, then brands them as l'Cie. The fal'Cie explodes, causing the big ass machine to fall into the water and crystallize it. Eye candy FMVs of a party and Snow proposing to Serah follow. Snow wakes up from his dream, and finds that he and the others are on Lake Bresha, which is now crystal.

Sazh: How the hell did we end up here?
Lightning: I don't know.
Vanille: How are we alive?
Snow: Serah saved us!
Lightning: Shut up! It's your fault she's dead!
Sazh: Oh shit! Enemies!

Snow blocks an attack aimed at Lightning, and kicks the enemy's ass with a burst of energy.

Snow: The hell?
Hope: You used magic! l'Cie power! Well, shit! We're all l'Cie now!
Lightning: Right. Oh, it's tutorial time.

Azul Rojo: Congrats, Square. I think this it the biggest number of tutorials you've crammed into the first 4 hours of a game! So, my characters can change "roles" now, even mid-battle. Not so fun changing things mid-battle, since the action doesn't pause while you're deciding what you want.

Snow: So, we really are l'Cie.
Sazh: Guess so.
Vanille: Yeah, me too. Have a close up of my thigh!
Hope: Why me? You guys suck! Leave me alone! It's all Snow and Serah's fault!
Snow: Shut up, kid! Er, sorry.
Vanille: It's okay! Everything will be fine! La la la, happy happy!
Lightning: So, how do we complete a Focus if we don't know what it is?
Vanille: I think I saw it.
Lightning: What?
Sazh: That's how a Focus works. Fal'Cie just give you a glimpse about what to do. Er...That's what legends say, anyway.
Lightning: Hey, whiney. What'd you see?
Hope: Uh...I saw a towering-
Sazh: Wait, did we all have the same dream?
Lightning & Snow: Ragnarok.
Sazh: Yep. Same dream.
Hope: That was our Focus? How do we figure that out?
Vanille: That's the hard part. Fal'Cie only give us a hint. We have to figure out what to do with it.
Sazh: So, we're technically enemies of Cocoon. So, are we supposed to--
Snow: We have to protect Cocoon.
Vanille: Why's that?
Snow: Serah told us. Let's work together! Oh, I'm gonna go find Serah!
Vanille: Wait for meeee!
Lightning: Hey, tutorial time again.

Azul Rojo: Wow! I can level up now! About fucking time. Wait a minute. HP +20 slot? Strength +4 slot? Oh, fucking damn it. The Sphere Grid? Really? Well, it uses points this time. But you can't just dump points into slots. You actually use them up while moving from slot to slot. This is a pain in the ass to use. And each character has to develop battle roles separately! Wow, Square-Enix. You went with the License Point system and normal levelling for FFXII, which worked nicely and was easy to learn. Now, you've brought back the Sphere Grid, but mashed it together with the LP system and a limited job system? Fucking hell. *RAGE QUIT*

What? You want to know more? Go on YouTube and watch a playthrough. Or go rent it.

 

 

I wouldn't be lying if I said that TMNT: Turtles in Time on the Super Nintendo was one of the best side-scrolling brawlers ever made. Hell, it may even be #1. But somehow Ubisoft Singapore managed to throw a perfect no-hitter on everything that made the original great. Gone are the bright, colorful and cartoonish graphics, catchy tunes and bone-crunching sound effects, excellent hit detection and frenetic gameplay. Now we have an ugly, terrible-sounding, poorly controlling, sluggish mess that doesn't satisfy on any level. I'm just glad I played the demo before I plunked down the $10 asking price; this is truly awful.

Do yourself a big favor and hunt down a copy of the SNES game instead; it's a far better use of your time. Or, if that's not an option, just pay $5 and get the original TMNT arcade game instead, also available on Xbox Live. It's a perfect port of the arcade classic, and far more worthy of your time.

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A shooter known for its intense action and yet heavy emphasis on planning and strategy - you'll have to rapidly swap between black and white polarities to destroy opposing ships quicker, absorb same-colored bullets, and be careful to always kill enemies of like color in groups of three to keep your chain going and your score climbing. As an added bonus, you can even upload your high scores (and demos) to the online service for others to watch and be amazed by.

I can think of few better ways to spend $5 on Xbox Live Arcade.

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The logical followup to Mega Man 9's runaway success, featuring eight new robot masters, 13 new stages, multiple stage routes, an even sillier storyline, and plenty of platforming and boss fights to keep you entertained. Hardcore fans will also have a ton of new challenges to complete for bragging rights, and being able to play as Protoman right off the bat is a first for the series. I hear Bass is also coming later as downloadable content, so we'll see how that pans out.

The stage design feels a bit generic this time around; with few exceptions, everything here has been done before in previous games, and the new obstacles aren't much to write home about. A stark contrast to Mega Man 9's creative obstacles, to say the least. The music also falls flat; it's not terrible, just rather low-tempo and forgettable, but that's a pretty big omission for a Mega Man title. Hell, I still have Metal Man's theme stuck in my head for at least a week every time I replay Mega Man 2.

In spite of these faults it's still a very fun game, but definitely not Classic Mega Man's strongest entry. But hey, even at his worst, Mega Man is still more fun and engaging than, say, God of War.

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Viewtiful Joe crossed with elements of God Hand, Ninja Gaiden, Super Mario Galaxy and even a few classic arcade games to create one gigantic package of awesome.

Well what do you know, they finally did it. They finally cast aside all the things that dragged the action genre down over the years - cameras that always seem to fix at the least convenient angles, awful controls, invisible barriers blocking off places that should be wide open, lack of any real strategy outside of mashing a single button to kill everything, and obnoxious, angsty anti-heroes are things you'll not find in Bayonetta.

Frenetic combat is obviously the main focus of the game, pitting you against large groups of enemies and enormous boss monsters on a constant basis and encouraging you to not only take them out, but do it with a large variety of attacks and comboes; this not only earns you more points, but more currency to spend on weapons and upgrades in the in-game shop. You're given a large variety of weapons to combat them with - pistols, shotguns, swords, claws, and even laser guns, to name a few. Unlike most games that limit you to one weapon at a time, though, here you get two sets - one equipped to your hands and one to your feet - and you can hold down the button after each attack to fire that weapon for extra damage. There's nothing quite as fun as alternating between slashing an enemy with a sword, kicking him, and then following up by blasting his head off with your boot-mounted shotguns. Comboes often conclude with "wicked weave" attacks, wherein Bayonetta uses her hair to form a giant weapon (usually correlated to what you have equipped) to deliver a massive finishing blow, or "Torture Attacks" - special moves that can only be activated when the magic gauge fills, and have you rapidly tap buttons or spin the control stick to inflict massive damage to the enemy whilst also racking up a ton of bonus halos. These often appear as various torture and execution implements - guillotines, torture racks, breaking wheels, etc.

Another unique feature is the ability to pick up enemies' dropped weapons, which are often much more powerful than your basic attacks, but break after only a few hits. Still, these are often the quickest way to eliminate enemies, boss and miniboss alike; you could stand there and duke it out with half a dozen enemies, or you could pick up a spear and wipe them out with one whirlwind attack, racking up a ton of bonus points in the process. Same goes for the bosses - half a dozen trumpet shots can easily take down half his health with little effort spent and earn you a bit of variety in your current combo to boot.

But my favorite mechanic of the bunch is "Witch Time", which hearkens back to Viewtiful Joe - successfully dodging or parrying an attack will cause time to slow momentarily, allowing you to effortlessly evade further attacks and land comboes on the enemy unchecked. A nice way to reward players for using the dodge mechanic, if nothing else - you'll quickly learn that trying to stand and take enemies on one at a time is a futile effort. You'll have to constantly be moving around, landing hits where you can and seperating enemies with quick comboes so you can eliminate them one at a time.

But while combat is a heavy focus of the game, it's not the only one - there's also a fair amount of emphasis on puzzle-solving. You'll occasionally have to jump into witch-time to break through barriers, cross obstacles that are intangible during normal time (running atop water, for example), the occasional switch puzzle, and even ward off attacks on other characters from time to time. Of course, there's also a dose of quick-time events, but thankfully these are relatively few and far between. They will blindside you in the middle of boss fights on occasion, though, so you'll probably take a few cheap hits before you catch on.

Finally, I must mention that while the game is very challenging, it's also very fair. There are frequent checkpoints along the way, even in the middle of major boss battles, so dying doesn't mean you're going to be repeating the last 30 minutes of work you did. Enemies that are offscreen won't attack you, which cuts down a lot on unavoidable cheap hits. Stages can always be re-visited if you miss something or just want to try for a higher score, and even the achievements aren't terrible - most can simply be unlocked through the normal course of playing and honing yoiur skills at the game - you're not required to get perfect scores on every stage or similar bullshit. In fact, the one that I got hung up on the longest was trying to deflect enemy attacks three times in a row (which requires absolute PERFECT timing with a certain item equipped). It's definitely a challenge to overcome, but it never gets aggravating.

So in short, Bayonetta has stunning visuals, a great sense of humor, a rock-solid combat system, and some of the craziest action ever committed to a video game. Not to mention a heroine that manages to be over-the-top and silly, but never becomes annoying or cliched. Platinum games has struck their namesake with this one.

score:

Bayonetta kicks ass.

 

 

One of the best RPGs on the original Playstation, and it's available for dirt cheap. What more do I need to tell you? Buy it! Download it to your PSP or PS3! Play it! You shall not regret it.

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I'll be one of the few to admit that Ocarina of Time disappointed me; the "biggest, baddest Zelda yet" somehow managed to omit the Zelda theme (replaced by some of the most annoying tunes ever), have a game world a third the size of Link to the Past's, almost did away completely with the non-linearity element, and it sticks you with the most annoying sidekick in gaming history.

Majora's Mask fixed three of those, at least, and once you get past the annoying introductory stage it's actually quite fun. The main quest is much shorter (consisting of only four dungeons), allowing much of the gameplay to be based based around side-quests and minigames. You're also given four different forms to play as (Link, Deku scrub, Goron and Zora), which adds a whole ton of new explorable areas and abilities to mess around with, as well as numerous other masks that give special traits (such as being able to run faster with the Bunny Hood equipped).

Now for the annoying stuff. The biggest for me is that it uses the same awkward control setup as OOT; most notably the context-sensitive "A" button that never seems to make up its mind about what it should be doing and when. You'll also be pausing and swapping items a lot more this time around simply due to the sheer number of masks you collect. Finally, and perhaps most annoying, is the fact that you're constantly under a time limit in the form of three-day cycles; if you don't rewind time by the end of the third day you'll lose all progress you made since your last trip and you'll have to do it all again. It also limits the amount of exploring you can do in any one trip, and you'll likely have to devote an entire time period to completing the dungeons (which are among the most complex in the entire series).

Majora's Mask is another solid adventure title, though its unconventional style may alienate some Zelda fans. But hell, at a price of only $10, you might as well give it a shot if you didn't get a chance to play it back on the Nintendo 64.

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I have never played an SMT game in my life. Either way, I was getting bored so I needed a new MMO to waste my life away on, and I found that my friend was playing an SMT MMO. Named "Shin Megami Tensei Online Imagine," which is a really long fucking name, I decided to try it.


The game wasn't made by Koreans, which was a major plus to me. I was excited to download the thing and start clicking away at shit, which I was taught to do by Koreans. However, I learned that GAMES MADE BY KOREANS AND GAMES MADE BY JAPANESE PEOPLE ARE EXTREMELY DIFFERENT AND SHATTER RULES SET FORTH BY KOREANS.

The good shit

• This MMO has a story. holy shit. AND CUTSCENES. By doing the episode quests, which are ACTUALLY INTERESTING and are not half-assed, you actually get sweet rewards which is always a plus. Also, even better is that whenever you get your friends to help you with the dungeon parts, they get assloads of EXP too. On the flip side, this is really the only way to level, which I'll get to later.
  
  
• Instead of simply clicking and using hotkeys, the combat system actually makes you think, with each maneuver having a counter point. So you can't run up to something and click it and hope it dies, otherwise you're going to get killed.
  
  
• There's not really "classes," since you are not restricted to any skills and you can build skills up in whatever way you want. So I could be a melee dude with fire magic, or a gunner with healing spells, and etc, which is actually pretty cool since I can do whatever the hell I want to do.
  
  
• DEMONS. The whole point of this MMO is to catch demons and fuse them and make cooler demons. Fuck everything else, this is the best part. Plus, you can pretty much manipulate demons' genes by choosing their parents, so if you know what you're doing you can make a pretty sweet demon. Of course, there's always some demons out there that are OP by default (Phoenix, who can revive, has the best AOE heal spell, has an AOE buff, and does sweet damage), but merging them with another OP demon means you get an even more badass demon.
  
  
• You can ride a giant fucking starfish as it sucks on your brain.
  
  
• In dungeons, and from quest rewards, you can actually get cash shop items, which is pretty sweet.
  
  

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And the shit that blows
These are reasons why the game stops being fun after level 10, and any game that is no longer fun after 10, you know something is wrong.

• First, every class sucks except gunners. Melee and magic are horrendously underpowered and worthless. 80% of all monsters are weak to guns. I have never, ever seen a monster weak to melee-type weapons, and enemies weak to magic elements are few and far in between. Unless you have an attack demon, you are fucked as a magician. Plus if you get hit by ONE monster combo, you are pretty much dead. Also, you have extremely low MP, moreso than what is normal as a mage in regular MMO's, even if you put points into intelligence, so you have to constantly eat chakra gum/candy. Anyway, melee takes FOREVER to kill anything. Mostly because of the knockbacks of the combat system, which really piss me off and only benefit gunners, actually. Because melee takes forever, you really lose durability on items, which I'll get to next. Also, melee seems to be the only class that has monsters that can reflect melee weapons. Lame.
  

• The durability system sucks so much. You pay OUT OF YOUR ASS to try and fix one item, and even then, 90% OF THE TIME YOU ALWAYS LOSE AT LEAST 1 OR 2 DURABILITY. This forces you to continually be finding/purchasing new items, which is extremely stupid in the case of rare items. Of course, the only way to repair your item 100% without permanent max durability loss is... cash shop!
  

• The so-called "events" held by the GMs are not "events" so much as they are shitty ways to try and make you buy from the cash shop, or waste your time. Seriously, any event that makes me waste my time gathering items that I could sell for good cash and then giving them to a GM in exchange for fucking emotes is not worth my time. Also, for every event, there are always 3 promos for the cash shop. "Spend $500 or more and get 50% more AP!" Who the fuck would spend 500 dollars on this shitty game?
  
  
• As if knowing the promos existed by reading the patcher which I am forced to use every time I start the game, they have the liberty of displaying the promos every five fucking minutes in a marquee across the top of the screen.
  
  
• Leveling in this game is worse than Korean games, WHICH IS SAD. The exp becomes unbearably bad after level 20, at which you wonder why you are still playing this game. By 20, the only way you can pretty much level is by finding people who are doing their episode quests and begging them for you to come with. The only other way you can actually level is by using EXP coins from... the cash shop!
  
  
• Traveling takes FOREVER to get ANYWHERE. The only way you can become faster is learning how to mount a cerberus at level 20. This is good, until you realize 1) The cerberus takes up a slot in your precious demon list 2) The ring you need to equip to mount has 10 durability and loses 1 durability pretty much every 1-2 minutes you're riding your cerberus. Later, you can mount a Feng Huang (bird) and a Decarabia (starfish). However, these drop at a pretty much .01% drop rate, but if you don't want to do that, just buy it at... the cash shop!
  
  
• This entire fucking game depends on the cash shop. Without it, you are pretty much fucked. For fast travel, you need to buy these threads for like three bucks that let you teleport wherever you want. Also, to get ANYTHING cool you have to buy it from the cash shop. The game brags and says that "you can customize your character however you like," which is a big fucking lie because there are extremely limited choices in every town shop, and good/cool clothes can only be purchased with AP.
  
• This game is hosted by Aeria games, no wonder it sucks.
  

CONCLUSION: This game sucks, so don't play it. I am seriously disappointed. The concept is awesome, but god, the execution is terrible.

 

 

k

 

 

More shmups ahoy. R-Type Dimensions is pretty much a two-for one deal, featuring R-Type 1 and 2 with two player co-op, 3D visuals, and the ability to skip to any stage you've completed so that you can practice them without having to play through the earlier stages a billion times; a useful feature considering that these games are notorious for throwing relentless swarms of enemies at you and stripping you of all of your power-ups upon death (which is a real pain in the later stages).

As I mentioned before, the game has 3D visuals, but you also have the option to play with 2D sprites. The catch, though, is that you don't pick one of these two and then stick with it throughout the game - you swap between sprites and 3D models on the fly during the game by pressing the Y button. While it's not an especially practical feature, it is a pretty cool novelty.

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