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 ~Spoony Spoonicus on 02:27am 03/04/11 (01:04am 04/28/09) in 1h39m21s  §  7838 eyeballs
 chained to: Anime in a Nutshell  §  first - previous - next - latest
 Most anime, despite all you've been lead to believe, really really sucks.
 anchors: none.
 
While lacking in imagination, devoid of a single memorable character or scene and having less plot - and yet paradoxically more plot holes - than Valkyrie Profile, the writers can always say "hey, at least we didn't make Wolf's Rain."

The setting is a devastated wasteland presumably near Japan, which apparently got leveled by a meteor. Instead of helping to rebuild, though, the government pretty much just closed the place off and let the surviving inhabitants fend for themselves. What a nice bunch of guys.

Useless Girl: Where is Kazuma? He said he was going to work today.
Kazuma: Doo de do, I'm driving around the wasteland looking for random people to fight for no reason instead of doing anything to help rebuild my homeland. Aren't I a compelling protagonist?
Generic Rival: ROAR Fight!
Kazuma: SUMMON METAL FIST ARMOR! Oh yeah, everybody in this show has the power to create weird robots out of rainbows. Kind of like Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, only they all look like preschool toys and their powers are all incredibly genric and boring.
Generic Rival: SUMMON BIG FUCKING ROBOT!

Kazuma easily wins the fight since his last bullet attack invariably destroys anything he fires it at. Kind of makes you wonder why he even bothers using the first two.

Ryuho: I am from HOLY, a group that wants to conquer this wasteland for reasons I never really bothered to ask. I'm here just to fuck your shit up with my one-eyed, armless mannequin thing. No, really.


Only Bleach has worse character designs than this show


Ditz: I just tag along with this asshole so I can cheer him on. And to answer your question, Spoony didn't even bother remembering my name because I have no other character traits or personality whatsoever.

After kicking Kazuma's ass, they simply leave, only to send their pitifully weak flunkies after him for the next few episodes, including a guy who fights with metal balls that give people headaches and a mind control villain, which are always boring because the hero invariably breaks free of their powers by the end of the episode anyway. It becomes painfully clear after five or six episodes of this crap that they were just throwing in filler to meet a 26-episode quota.

Kazuma: Grr, I must become stronger! To the Forest of Fucked Up Things!
Star Platinum Ripoff: EEEUUUUUAAAAAA
Kazuma: I punched a hole in you and tore a chunk out of your spine, which apparently didn't kill you but did give me a crazy propeller on my back and spikes coming out of my face. Now eat shit, Ryuho!
Ryuho: Hahaha, you fool. Much like Dragon Ball Z, I too can pull a more powerful Alter form out of my ass any time the plot calls for it! Mannequin, become Retarded Snake Beast!

Big explosion occurs and they get lost in a rainbow.

HOLY stooges: Hahaha, we are now free to conquer the wasteland now that Kazuma is gone!
Ryuho: I am now back without any explanation, and don't expect one because I've lost my memories. Now I'm going to kick your ass with my bare hands and without using my Alter. Yes, HOLY really sucks that much without me.
HOLY stooges: We are vanquished!

In the very next episode his memories return; despite this, he does not return to HOLY, making it look like he went turncoat for little to no reason at all. But it's okay, see, because HOLY is really run by this corrupt asshole who wants to steal the power of Alter and rule the world, and his Alter conveniently allows him to steal other peoples' Alters... gee, we've only seen that in about fifty to a hundred other works of fiction!

(But all that said, It's still pretty stupid because that fact never seemed to bother Ryuho until RIGHT NOW)

Elsewhere, we learn that Kazuma is still alive and, unlike Ryuho, has NOT lost his memories. Why did he keep his memories while Ryuho hasn't? Where did both of them go? How did they get back? Fuck if I know, because it's given absolutely no explanation! Ever!

Emo Girl: I must fight you to save my brother, lame mermaid powers GO!

Kazuma seems to be at a major disadvantage, at least until Emo Girl learns her brother's already dead and commits suicide over it.

Kazuma: GRRRRRR, even though I barely knew her and she tried and nearly succeeded to murder me, I am hell-bent on avenging her death!
Asshole: I was the one who put her up to this!
Kazuma: Even though you're protected by the Plot Shield, I'm going to attack you anyway! GRRRRRR!

Needless to say, it doesn't work. A few more filler episodes ensue on both ends of the story, most of them simply being fights with villainous characters recycled from previous episodes. Naturally, their alters all have completely unexplained Dragonball Z upgrades as well, which often has as profound an effect as adding more stupid useless fins and colorful trim to their bodies.

Asshole: I have kidnapped Useless Girl, because she apparently has some incredibly powerful Alter ability, which invariably means she can either see the future or travel time! Are you bad enough dudes to rescue her?
Kazuma and Ryuho: Apparently, yes!

They go to his big tower of doom, where they confront even more recycled villains. Hooray for lazy writing!

Star Platinum Ripoff: BWWWOOOOOO
Ryuho: My god... I remember now... YOU KILLED MY PARENTS!
Kazuma: So the most uninteresting, generic villain in the entire show is ironically the only one with any actual role in the story?
Ryuho: Yes, and now I must fight it!

Ryuho gets his shit ruined, mostly because he's retarded and sent in his weak-ass mannequin to do the fighting instead of its powered up form.

Ditz: Oh shit. Now I have to sacrifice my life to heal you to full and give your Alter another convenient Dragon Ball Z upgrade.

Yet another pointless character death ensues. Throw one more in as Kazuma angrily blasts Generic Rival off a cliff to his doom after six consecutive episodes screaming and bitching about how much he hates the guy... then gets all teary-eyed about what he's done.

Boss-man: RYUHO, WE MUST FIGHT NOW. ONE-ARMED TURD GO!

Even though Ryudo's reached Super Saiyan 3 his Alter's ultimate form, Boss-man is able to fend him off, at least until it becomes apparent that his alter makes him age about ten years every time the camera cuts back to him; within five minutes he's over 130 years old... and dead.

Boss-man: Worst... Alter... ever...

They go on to confront Asshole himself.

Asshole: Check it out, I use light attacks with one hand and darkness attacks with another, which is another totally unique concept that hasn't been done a million times already!

In spite of his complete and utter blandness, they're at his mercy until Useless Girl manages to escape his control at the most convenient of moments! They quickly turn the tables and defeat him, but - surprise - he too has pulled yet another, more powerful form out of his ass!

Asshole: BEHOLD, I AM NOW A GIANT TUMOR WITH 400 ARMS!
Kazuma: Oh fuck off already, you one-dimensional lameass villain.

Kazuma's metal arm expands into a giant tacky suit of metal armor and he reduces Asshole to a fine paste with one punch

Kazuma: Well, now that that's over, there's only one thing left for us to do.
Ryuho: Have a horribly brutal battle with one another that encompasses the entire final episode even though we're on the same side now?
Kazuma: Yep.

They do just that; the ending is a gigantic cop-out since it doesn't show who actually wins the fight. Oh, and the "ruined land vs HOLY" plot line that the whole series is based around doesn't get resolved either, so this entire story was completely pointless. Fantastic!

Kazuma: ...Wait a minute, what the hell does s-CRY-ed mean anyway?
Ryuho: In the original manga it was the word of power that allowed an Alter to reach its highest form. Funny, though, it never really came up in the anime adaptation, did it?
Kazuma: Nope. Nice job omitting a major plot element that's in the fucking title of the series, guys. That's like leaving Naruto out of the anime version of Naruto!

Another bad anime comes to a close, leaving its audience with nothing to think about and no sense of satisfaction. But it's such a vapid and forgettable show that nobody remembers it after a month anyway, so who cares.
 
 
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