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 lard pirates dawt cawm  §  Bleach in a Nutshell / by Spoony Spoonicus
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 ~Spoony Spoonicus on 03:34am 03/26/13 (08:49pm 05/17/09) in 6h46m35s  §  8537 eyeballs
 chained to: Anime in a Nutshell  §  first - previous - next - latest
 Most anime, despite all you've been lead to believe, really really sucks.
after 1 bombings: 
 anchors: none.
While it's not the worst anime ever, it's arguably the most boring!

Ichigo: Hi, I'm Ichigo, for reasons that are never really elaborated on I have the power to see ghosts, which are apparently huge retarded-looking things with two mouths and gaping holes in their chests.
Rukia: I conveniently show up and let you turn into a ghost, then give you a comically oversized sword so you can kill the stupid-looking bad guys. Also, somehow you can wield the thing like a katana or a rapier even though it's taller than you are and looks to weigh hundreds of pounds.
Ichigo: I'm pretty damn strong for a fifteen year old, apparently.
Rukia: You're fifteen? You look and sound at least thirty, dude.
Ichigo: I'm really thirty, but I go to high school just to cover up the fact that I have no friends, no job and still live with my dad.
Rukia: Ah. So you're connecting with the show's target audience. BURN!!!!

Retarded lion thing: I'm some kind of stuffed animal or something that takes possession of your body while you're fucking around as a spirit. Apparently I'm supposed to be the comic relief character with a big important role to play later on, but no one cares because I'm obnoxious as hell.
Orihime: I'm here too. Oh, hi, the only reason anyone watches this show is because of me. Mostly because I'm a ditzy airhead and I have bigger tits than Tifa.

A few boring villains-of-the-week are defeated.

Rukia: Random drama injection! I've violated some sort of previously-unexplained law of the afterlife by making you a Soul Reaper and now I'm going on the chopping block for it. And just to milk the gravity of this situation a little further, my executioner is apparently also my brother.
Ichigo: Just like in a million other animes, this bit of family politics conveniently causes me to immediately change from an unwilling anti-hero into a stern and righteous fighter! Now we must fight!
Asshole Brother: You cannot stop me, for my power level spiritual pressure is greater than yours!
Ichigo: So souls are like helium tanks or something? You just have to compress them and then you get weird superpowers?

The fight is over in one blow. Of course.

Ichigo: Ow.
Asshole Brother: Now instead of doing the smart thing and finishing you off while you're completely helpless (or at the very least giving you an injury you won't be able to recover from in time to stop me), I'll just leave you here.
Lame supporting characters nobody cares about: As some kind of ridiculous formality, they wait two weeks before actually killing criminals in the Soul Society. In anime terms, this is enough time to not only train you enough to put you on even footing with the big bad guy, but to establish a whole bunch of other stupid subplots that will come up sporadically throughout the next several seasons and eventually become the focus of an entire one, which in turn will spawn MORE stupid subplots, potentially dragging out this show forever.
Ichigo: Great, I guess...

The training commences. Within the span of about five episodes Ichigo becomes powerful enough to singlehandedly conquer all of the Soul Society's strongest soldiers, who are all swordsmen that rely on a single gimmick to keep their enemy off guard. Of course, none seem to realize that by stopping the fight every twenty seconds to EXPLAIN OUT EVERY SINGLE ATTACK THEY USE IN EXCRUCIATING DETAIL, they're telling the hero exactly how to defeat them.

Asshole Brother: Behold my big wall of swords!
Ichigo: GRR, my only defense is doing the exact same charge-and-slash attack while yelling a lot over and over again! Yet somehow I'm still beating you.
Asshole Brother: Wait! We have to stretch out our remaining animation budget over the course of fourteen episodes by stopping and discuss our every thought and action in painstaking detail every five minutes.
Ichigo: Couldn't we just copy notes from Evangelion by avoiding any real conclusion and closing the series with a collage of crappy scribbles and still frames from previous episodes?
Asshole Brother: Of course not. That would just be stupid.
Ichigo: But it's still inexplicably popular. Besides, it can't be much worse than what's to come on THIS show.
Asshole Brother: Touche.

Two hundred frames of animation are successfully dragged out over three and a half months of airtime.

Asshole Brother: You win. Rukia is free to go.
Ichigo: Finally. Let's get out of here, if I see one more swordsman with a gimmicky fighting style I'm going to puke.

Typical boring filler episodes ensue.

Ichigo: Grr, I must stop him even though they spent the entire last season trying to kill me! Boring array of heroes, assemble!
Mr. Plasticarm: I punch stuff and mumble a lot. Yeah, that's pretty much all I ever do. Deal with it.
Cocky Jerk: I have a sword that splits apart and flexes like a whip, an idea which was clearly NOT stolen from Soul Calibur. Also it seems to randomly quintuple in size.
Furry Magnet: I turn into a cat. As in a housecat. It's about as useful as it sounds.
Orihime: Apparently I somehow gained the power to manipulate reality. In other words, I'm the ultimate lazy plot device; I can pull a deus ex machina out of my ass any time I want!
White-haired swordsman: I'm even more bland than the guy who punches things. Hell, I can't even remember what my superpower was.
Jugs: I have the exact same abilities as White-haired swordsman, only my tits are hanging out all the time.

The show has officially become Dragonball Z at this point, only instead of cutting to the supporting cast prattling on about nothing every five minutes, it cuts to another fight every five minutes. Only not really because every "fight" just consists of trading blows for a few seconds followed by twenty minutes of idle chatter, ending anticlimactically when the hero spots a minute flaw in their attack pattern and exploits it for a quick victory.

Forgettable Villain: Beware, for I actually stand a chance against Ichigo!

Digging more notes out of the Book of Cliches, Ichigo gets bloodied up for a while, then the villain does something stupid (like stabbing his ally in the back) that gives the hero the exact push he needs to win. Even then, though, it's never exciting to watch because they always cop out with an offscreen clash of swords or both characters vanishing into a ball of light with the hero invariably emerging the winner. In the rare absence of both of those, they just fall back on the tired old deus ex machina of some vaguely established "ultimate power with no upper limit" that he's had from square one. Shitty writing at its finest. Then, of course, the fact that he's brutally injured and his clothes have been torn to shreds are always forgotten in the next scene, where he's walking around in a clean new suit and showing no sign of pain or injury.

(How the hell does a disembodied soul bleed, anyway? The whole premise of this show is just stupid.)

One or two episodes pass without event before another array of forgettable villains shows up and more boring fights/filler talk ensue. Rinse and repeat for eleven more goddamn seasons and counting, the character designs getting progressively more and more stupid until they're literally fighting talking shoulder pads and a guy with a lava lamp for a head. I am not making this shit up.
 rawks  §  rad comments, dogg.
 ~Alan Smithee  §  at 02:55am 05/18/09
I liked this show better when it was called "Yu-Yu Hakusho" and it didn't have all the stupid talking stuffed animals.
 ~Washuu  §  at 10:59am 05/18/09
Japan has this odd fetish for making main characters are supposed to be teenagers look and sound like they're at least mid-twenties. First example that comes to mind: Ikki from Air Gear, who is supposed to be 13. I do not fucking think so.
 ~Spoony Spoonicus  §  at 06:29pm 12/01/09
Even Yu Yu Hakusho descended into being another mediocre Dragonball Z ripoff before long. What is it with action anime always coming back to suck the dick of that shit show?
 ~SHITTLE  §  at 04:59am 01/18/10
 ~vinic  §  at 12:12am 02/16/10
heh why'd you replace the bleach nutshell with it.
 ~Spoony Spoonicus  §  at 01:47am 02/26/10
Bleach nutshell is back!
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a cherry