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 lard pirates dawt cawm  §  The Adventurer's Field Guide, page 212: Things to Kill / by Dudley
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 ~Dudley on 11:42pm 02/26/10 (01:39am 05/21/09) in 2m18s  §  2182 eyeballs
 Do Naught to Panicke. The leading publication specializing in how not to die.
(5)
after 2 bombings: 
 anchors: none.
 
Bearholk
A 3-foot wide mass of knotty fur sporting a multitude of wet, goopy eyeballs atop four nasty bug-legs tall enough to bring it up to eye-level, so you just cant look over the thing and pretend its not the grossest thing ever as you throw a Molotov at it. Hanging from under its hair and eyeballs is a jawless mouth that contorts and flops around like a black leathery tentacle. Its bite is harmless, but once the mouth touches something edible it begins to pour out approximately a bucket-full of nasty smelling digestive fluids. While not acidic enough to cause any permanent damage under normal circumstances, Bearholks do hunt in packs of about 4 to 12 and approximately 3 could overwhelm an Adventurer and drown him in bugpuke.

Also comes in Polar, Grizzly, and Circus varieties.

Froggum
A race of exceedingly annoying frog men that nest in three to six foot deep holes that they dig wherever they damn well please. When possible, they will steal garden hoses and use them to fill their pits with water. They stand about four feet tall and wear ratty human-made clothing, purchased from garage sales whenever they can afford it. They fiercely defend their pits when anything comes too close, but mostly just ask questions and follow you around when you encounter them outside of their territory.
They have been known to use small weapons and makeshift armor, but these are usually rusty pieces of shit due to being stored in a mud pit.
Froggums often breed in their pits before leaving for a new one, with the potential of breeding up to a hundred more Froggums. This can be prevented by pissing in the Froggum hole.

Rumblesnake
A species of rattlesnake whose rattles contain compressed lead filings, so heavy that when it shakes its tail, it causes a small earthquake in the immediate area. When its target is off-balance, it then springs out and "punches" them. Adventurers hit by this "punch" have all claimed to see a gigantic fist coming at them like a rocket and terrible nightmares of soaring through the air as their faces swell up. The Rumblesnake's bite is nearly fatal, but it never bites its targets because it considers that cheating. In the case that you DO get bit by a Rumblesnake, the only cure is to kill the snake that bit you.


Silverback Cougar
Imagine the speed , piercing roar and tearing bite of a cougar, but in the terrifying muscular frame of a silverback gorilla, complete with hands that can grab and tear off limbs. Silverback Cougars, unlike their close relatives the common Tree Gorilla, live primarily to beat the living piss out of everything they meet. They are not to be fucked with. Even if you manage to hold off the assault from its tree-trunk arms, you have the snarling face of a pissed cougar snapping at your neck as it slowly overpowers you.

Sub-Ops Groundhogs
Highly skilled groundhogs that work as a group to quickly dig tunnels underneath threats and erupt from the dirt to kick off-guard adventurers in the head. They live underground, and also are hoggers, so watch any valuables you happen to set down on the ground. They wear tiny little army helmets and speak this hilarious little rodent version of combat orders to one another. Despite their appearance they can and chances are will kick your ass and send you packing. They prefer not to kill their targets, because they know that living with the shame of being pushed around by a handful of furballs is more than enough to keep most adventurers away.

Sub-Ops Groundhog Captains are also highly skilled in hand-to-hand combat, disarms, and submission holds.

Pine Goblins
Tiny little men coated in pine sap and needles, they attack their prey by jumping on them and slowing them to a crawl by turning the sap in to amber almost instantly. When their victim is completely encased in amber, they drink its blood by driving a syrup tap into the victim's leg.
Pine goblins also mark their property by coating it in their sap. In their society, anything not caked in gunk is up for grabs, and this means anything. Some adventurers have awoken from camping at night to find that every square inch of their tent had been claimed by one pine goblin. These stories are also accompanied by the same goblin attempting to lay claim to the campfire
 
 
 rawks  §  rad comments, dogg.
 ~vinic  §  at 01:39pm 12/14/09
 
I need to program everything in so we can write more of these.
 ~Spoony Spoonicus  §  at 08:01pm 12/15/09
 
Yes, yes you do.
 ~Dr. Vinic  §  at 11:51pm 12/22/09
 
Yeah you dick.
 ~Al Roker  §  at 12:11am 12/28/09
 
Hop to it, jackass!
 ~Spoony Spoonicus  §  at 01:16am 01/16/10
 
[21:42:01] <spoonshiro> i finished my chrono cross nutshell
[21:42:06] <vinic> awesome.
[21:42:16] <vinic> you should be able to post it this week.

-Evening of Saturday, January 2, 2010.
 
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