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 lard pirates dawt cawm  §  Useless Playable Characters / by Spoony Spoonicus
 the waggoner  §  articles and general riff-raff exceeding your expectations of worthlessness.
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 ~Spoony Spoonicus on 02:59pm 02/09/11 (02:10am 04/11/10) in 11h13m42s  §  2593 eyeballs
 anchors: none.
A tribute to all those lovable lunkheads that occupy slots in our party rosters that would otherwise be quite content to sit blank!

Jogurt (Shining Force) - You have to love Jogurt. He has only a single hit point and one point in every stat, so he's pretty much guaranteed to never do more than one point of damage, and it's unlikely that he'll even be able to hit anything. But, in the off chance you manage to actually defeat someone with him, you get a Jogurt Ring, which lets you turn one of your other party members into Jogurt in appearance only. So if you ever wanted to see a gopher in a helmet (or for the truly deranged, an entire party of them) save the world from a demonic being, this is your one and only chance to do so!

Goro (Dark Cloud) - The second melee attacker to become a part of your team, and unfortunately the worst as his sole method of attack is incredibly slow, has minimal range and he has no invincibility frames at any point in its duration. So aside from opening certain gates, he has pretty much no incentive to be used over your main character, even if one of his weapons is the hilarious "frozen tuna". But if you were ever curious as to how the Monster Hunter series plays, this guy at least makes a good comparison. "The controls are a random slap-dashed mess, there's no strategy, and every character handles like Goro from Dark Cloud!"

Rafa and Malak (Final Fantasy Tactics) - Alright. So after enduring one of the most frustrating boss battles in any strategy RPG, ever (with Rafa getting killed and bringing up the game over screen before you can even move 60% of the time), you finally recruit these two clowns as playable characters. And... they're horrible. All of their skills target 5 panels completely at random with 3-6 hits, and even when they manage to hit a tile occupied by an enemy, they do so little damage that it's not even worth the headache of using them. Just strip them of their equipment and then immediately dump them to make room for Orlandu, Beowulf and Worker 8; they're all much more worthy of a slot in your party than these two clowns.

Kurando (Shadow Hearts 2) - Alright, a new party member! What's his special move... Demon Fusion? Well, that's a huge letdown, considering the main character has had that throughout the game! And his forms are far less useful than any of Yuri's - Kurando has only two forms of the same element while Yuri has eight, and his are much more versatile with different elements and abilities!

Goblin (Advance Guardian Heroes) - Following in the footsteps of the original game, the small, wimpy enemies that exist only as cannon fodder are completely playable in both the 1P campaign and in versus mode. And to nobody's surprise, they're still slow, hardly do any damage and have no magic. Good luck even getting through Easy mode or winning a single match!

Monsters (SaGa series) - I'm sorry, you simply cannot convince me that these guys were ever worth using. Sure, they're inexpensive to maintain since they don't use weapons or armor (no matter how much you may want them to), but they always have extremely limited movesets, and the "eat meat to get stronger or weaker" mechanic is a complete crapshoot that, more often than not, will cause your halfway decent ogre monster to be downgraded to a weak, useless frog with 50 HP (who will then promptly get killed off, leaving you one party member down for the rest of the dungeon). But even if you manage to get past all THAT, they can never become as powerful or versatile as mutants, humans or robots, so they're pretty much just wasting space once you approach the endgame even in their strongest forms. Frontier at least overcame these limitations to a degree - monsters can equip accessories, retain abilities between forms and eating meat permanently adds to their base stats instead of completely wiping the record each time they transform. But still, you're almost always better off with a human, mystic or Mec in that slot.

Dante (Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne) - One of the unfortunate new features to the Maniacs release of the game (which was the version subsequently translated and released overseas) was Dante from the Devil May Cry series, who appears numerous times throughout the game's optional dungeon as a relatively easy boss character. After defeating him numerous times, you have the option to have him join you. But even if you're a fan of Dante, you recruit him only to find out that... his skills are weak and he's pretty much useless. Yeah. You can't even fuse him with another demon or dump him from your party once he's joined you, so the mere act of recruiting him is a permanent detriment. Boy, and I thought he sucked in his own games.

More to come.
 rawks  §  rad comments, dogg.
 ~FUN FACT  §  at 02:51am 04/11/10
This was supposed to be a Nutshell of Witch Hunter Robin, but the show was so goddamn dull and it's been so long since I've watched it that I've forgotten almost every single detail of it. And since I don't care enough to watch it again... well, here we are!

But as long as we're on this note, here was my tagline:

Another crappy show that became popular solely because it rode in on the heels of the most overrated and overaired anime of all time, Cowboy Bebop.
 ~Azul Rojo  §  at 09:08pm 04/25/10
I nominate Edward from pre-remake FF4. Splitting a potion between several people really sucked. Hiding in a corner didn't do shit for your party. He was a lot more useful in some of the remakes, though, since he eventually got to use the Sing ability and actually provide some stat boosts to the party. Heck, the GBA remake actually let you use him in the final dungeon, and let you find an ultimate weapon for him.

Then there's Pichu in SSBM. Sure, he's very fast and agile, but those are the only good things going for him. His own special attacks hurt him, and the damage can add up quick with other people hitting him. He's very light to boot, so if you don't want to get sent flying off the stage, you DON'T want to take a lot of damage.

Never seen Witch Hunter Robin or Cowboy Bebop. Due to the price of anime DVDs here and lack of it on TV, I never really see much of it. The only ones I've watched recently are Detective Conan, Nanoha, Gunslinger Girl, Spirited Away, and a sprinkling of One Piece. Recently being anywhere from 5 months to 2 years ago.
 ~Spoony Spoonicus  §  at 04:58am 04/28/10
You didn't miss much except about 250 episodes of Bleach, and everyone here knows how much I hate Bleach.
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a cherry