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 lard pirates dawt cawm  §  Ten games I've never played, but I'm writing negative reviews for anyway / by Spoony Spoonicus
 
 
 the waggoner  §  articles and general riff-raff exceeding your expectations of worthlessness.
 
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 ~Spoony Spoonicus on 09:38am 06/18/11 (01:06pm 08/15/10) in 35m35s  §  1946 eyeballs
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Let the hate mail commence!

Halo 3 ODST

Oh goodie, another mission pack with four more hours of gameplay and 1-2 new multiplayer modes you'll never touch being sold for full price as a "Sequel". Boy, I miss the days when developers had integrity, when mission packs provided you with tons of new content - often as much or even more than the full game - and they were never, EVER sold for full price. But I guess those days are long gone. Enjoy your overpriced Halo Reach expansion pack next month, suckers!

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

Another dime-a-dozen first person shooter everyone's going to forget about in three months, which will conveniently be just in time for the release of the NEXT Call of Duty game! Is this their marketing plan or something?

Darksiders

Yet another shitty clone of God of War, a game franchise which - let's be honest here - was never any good to begin with. The only reason anyone might have cared about it is because Nintendo was in their 3-4 year gap between quality action platformer releases and the only alternatives were either Sega's Sonic shovelware or this turd. So out everyone went, buying up God of War by the millions, desperately trying to convince themselves it was a good game and not at all a shitty button mashfest with tons of gore and tits thrown in just to make it marketable to fourteen year olds.

Heavy Rain

Didn't anyone at Sony get the memo? Interactive movies always blew ass, and every platform that tried to tout them as one of its main features tanked in less than three years. Go ahead, name me one decent, well-produced, fun FMV game that still holds up today. Go ahead. Do it. You can't, can you? I rest my case.

There's also this little quote:

“I would like people to play it once... because that’s life. Life you can only play once...I would like people to have this experience that way.” - David Cage, director of Heavy Rain.

See? Even the director admits it's not worth buying and barely even worthy of a rental.

Red Dead Redemption

GTA still blows nuts, even if you replace all the cars with horses and the "dynamic" city with a boring, empty desert. Still has the same terrible controls, glitchy physics engine and mind-numbingly tedious missions. Guaranteed to bore you to tears in under four hours, or... well, no, you don't get your money back either.

Tomb Raider Underworld

Did Tomb Raider ever have a good game? Nope. Just a bunch of forgettable, by-the-numbers platformers with shitty controls and glitchy collision detection whose only selling point was the D-cups on the heroine and the graphical technology they wasted all their development time improving just to show them off. Who keeps buying this slop?

Final Fantasy XIII

Oh, honestly, are people still buying this crap, holding on to that faint glimmer of hope that Square will eventually make a good game again? WAKE UP. Square's glory days are gone and they're not coming back. Quit throwing your money away based on misplaced nostalgia and support somebody who's still interested in making a quality game, like Atlus, Level 5, Nippon Ichi Software, Bethesda.

And no, I'm not even going to rent it. I stand by what I said in my Last Remnant nutshell. What's more, I'm really getting tired of this neverending cycle where we buy their games, get let down, but instead of learning our lesson, we all rush out and preorder their next turd the instant it gets announced. Then, like fucking cattle, we all call in sick for work the day before release, camp out for hours waiting for the midnight launch, fork over the cash, rush home, and play it until sunrise only to realize that it eats even more than their last fucking game. It's time to get some standards, people; they're never going to get any better if you keep buying their shitty games. They'll just read the sales figures, figure they don't need to change anything since their profits are still off the charts, and they'll just make an even more rushed, shoddy product next time around. You vote with your dollar - start voting for someone who deserves it. If they see a significant drop in profits, then maybe, JUST maybe, they'll quit slacking off and make a decent game again.

Mortal Kombat 2011

Does anyone still seriously follow this franchise? To me, Mortal Kombat's simplistic gameplay and nonsensical plotline that mashed togther robots, ninjas, silly costumes, hammy faux-Eastern mythology and gore too over the top and fake looking to ever take seriously was the very definition of early 90's camp. Which is where it should have stayed; it's all aged about as poorly as a carton of milk left on top of a furnace for eighteen years. Street Fighter won the war, let it go already.

Tales of Vesperia

The latest sequel in an abismally bad RPG series whose only defining characteristic, it seems, is that the stories get stupider, the protagonists more whiny and obnoxious, and the gameplay more mash-friendly in every single entry. Not to mention that they just heap on more and more of that cutesy anime bullshit that I absolutely loathe. Quit buying this garbage and play a real game already.

Dead Space 2

System Shock for retarded juggalos whose only plans for the future are an enlightening career in serial murder.
 
 
 rawks  §  rad comments, dogg.
 ~Azul Rojo  §  at 11:40pm 08/15/10
 
Many of these games, I haven't played. Some I've watched, though. Heavy Rain is one of the games I've watched. Yes, you literally push buttons at the right time for most of the game. It's a real shame they went with such terrible gameplay, because the story was really, really awesome, and some parts would change a fair bit depending on your choices.

I used to play the PlayStation Tomb Raider games. It was fun shooting things and exploring different places. They got old quick, though. Some of the puzzles were more difficult than they needed to be with the weird controls, and your timing had to be absolutely perfect in some parts. And when you're trying to avoid a death trap, the last thing you need is slippery or bad controls.

I got to try FFXIII for free. I figured I'd give it a shot for shits and giggles. No giggles were had, but there sure was a lot of shit. I'm still trying to figure out how FFXII and FFIX are on inferior hardware, but are far more fun to play than this crap. Hell, even FFVIII and FFX were better than this game! Yes, EIGHT and TEN were better, and they were really fucking bad. Why were they better? Because I actually played them for more than 3 hours.
 ~Washuu  §  at 07:09pm 10/03/10
 
Only diehard Tales/JRPG fans could possibly like Vesperia. I'm still a fan of the old Tales games (Phantasia and Destiny), sort-of-kind-of iffy on Legendia, and I hate everything else. Vesperia is like if a dog took a shit, then vomited on the pile. People say its defining feature is Yuri (that's definitely a girl's name, not even arguing), and that he is apparently a WELL-DEFINED ANTI HERO, except he's fucking not, he's the same retarded whiny protagonist that every fucking JRPG has nowadays. Goddamnit.

Final Fantasy should have died after six. I admit I did like 7, but it was the one cause of raging fangirls for Cloud and Sephiroth (not to mention Cloud is just a blonde Zack), so I shun it in that aspect.
 ~Spoony Spoonicus  §  at 02:49pm 10/04/10
 
The only acceptable Yuri was Shadow Hearts' Yuri. Just because your life is full of constant strife and violence and there's a scary fucking voice in your head telling you to do things doesn't mean you can't have a sense of humor!
 
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