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 lard pirates dawt cawm  §  Five Things I Hate About Modern Shooters / by Spoony Spoonicus
 
 
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 ~Spoony Spoonicus on 01:19am 04/29/11 (06:31pm 01/18/11) in 1h53m48s  §  2963 eyeballs
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Just to answer the endless questions of "Have you played Call of Duty 2007/8/9/10 yet" and the inevitable followup of "DOOD WHY NOT ITS FUCKING AWESOME HOLY SHIT YOURE THE WORST GAMER EVER IF YOU DONT PLAY THIS EVEN THOUGH NOBODY WILL GIVE A SHIT ABOUT IT IN 2 MONTHS INCLUDING ME"

  • "Cinematic Hallways". You know what I mean. They try to give the feeling of danger by having fire and explosions surrounding you, walls and floors collapsing or bullets flying over your head, but it fails because you quickly realize that they're no threat to you at all. So yeah, just take as much time as you need evading the harmful parts and killing enemies one at a time, because almost none of it is any actual threat to you.

    In particularly asinine cases, it tries to hurry you along by having something kill you if you dawdle too long in one spot - "too long" usually being less than a second. Which means that you're going to be doing a lot of trial-and-error "guess the right way" puzzles and sitting through obnoxiously long load screens every time the crappy collision detection gets you hung up on something you can barely see.

  • There's no thought or strategy to the combat, at all. You just find a safe spot, wait for the bullets to stop flying, then pop out and shoot an enemy while they leave their limbs and heads completely exposed and vulnerable to gunfire. Once the coast is clear, run out and pick up one dropped gun to completely replenish your ammo supply. Repeat about 70,000 times and you've won the game. Oh, and never, ever attempt to engage anyone in melee combat because, unlike your AI-controlled teammates, your enemies can get riddled with friendly fire and suffer absolutely no ill effects. So if you try to take one of them out with a rifle butt, their buddies will just unload on you both, killing you but leaving Superman there completely unharmed.

  • Rapidly regenerating health removes any sense of danger. So you broke your hide-and-snipe pattern and took six shots to the chest. In any game worth its salt, this would put you in dire straits, desperately trying to avoid hits whilst searching out a medpack or backing off to use a healing skill of some sort, of which you would often have a very limited supply. Not in modern games, though - just duck back into your safe zone and wait ten seconds. Voila, you're now none the worse for wear. Go back to killing.

  • Psychic enemies. Fire one bullet and everyone instantly knows exactly where you are, even if you're sniping a guy from 300 yards away with a silenced weapon while under heavy camouflage. Doesn't matter, the second they hear one guy's brains hit the dirt, they instantly know who's done it and exactly where to find him.

  • Of course, let us not forget the overall mentality of the fans, the part that gives the impression that people who like these games play them not because they're fun and well-designed, but because they're convinced that "good" games are the ones designed specifically to offend their parents.

    "Dead space 2, your mom will hate it!"
    "IF YOU SHOOT A DUDE IN THE ASS FIRE SHOOTS OUT OLOLOLOLOL"
    "I JUST IMPALED A HYDRA THROUGH THE EYEBALL BY MASHING ONE BUTTON, THREW AN INNOCENT MAN TO HIS DEATH AND THEN BANGED TWO CHICKS THIS GAME IS THE SHIT()@*@*^!!"
    "I JUST SHOT A HOOKER AND THEN SPENT THREE HOURS KICKING HER CORPSE IN FRONT OF A COP ROFLOLROLFOLAJFLRFGFSDSDFF@*(@@^)@@#)@#@"


    At first I just chalked this phenomena up to thirteen year olds in their "rebellious phase", who partake of the most edgy and offensive shit they can find just so they can claim to be 'grown up' and, in that vein, write off anything that came before Halo as "shitty games for babies". Then you find out that the people writing these comments are almost always in their late twenties or older and it just becomes pathetic.

    Oh what the hell, let's make it six.

  • One-dimensional, faceless heroes fighting one-dimensional, faceless villains whose only real motive is "they want to wreck something up for no real reason." Where have I seen this before? Oh, yeah. EVERY VIDEO GAME EVER MADE. But I single it out here because these are games that are renowned for their "cinematic style" and "well told storylines" to the point that it can apparently make up for having cookie cutter gameplay that never seems to improve between sequels or years of technological advancement. So if people are so willing to overlook the bland gameplay for sequel after sequel, why are the plot and its presentation some mysterious exception? The story is rarely anything more than a stock video game plot, and the presentation doesn't invoke any real sense of menace. Hell, 80% of all "danger" in the game is purely cosmetic (and, let's be honest, not all that impressive visually) and the other 20% is consistently outwitted by a guy hiding behind a box until he has a clean shot. If it's trying to be "gripping and compelling cinema" with that formula, it fails miserably.

    Personally, If I want to blow up an army of generic aliens and/or ethnic stereotypes, I'll dust off Total Carnage or Contra III. Yeah, their stories may be just as trite and uncreative as any given Uncharted, Gears or Call of Duty game, but at least they involve more strategy and skill than just "hide behind a box and wait for the bullets to stop."
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