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 ~Spoony Spoonicus on 02:44pm 05/14/12 (02:43am 05/30/11) in 1h18m58s  §  3759 eyeballs
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In no particular order.

God of War

Pandering, juvenile garbage. The story is boring, the protagonist isn't compelling or interesting in the slightest, the gameplay consists of nothing but brainless button-mashing, and the game throws in boobs and senseless violence literally every eight seconds just to further drive home the fact that it's made by and for thirteen year olds desperately trying to prove their own "maturity". Grow up.


A game that purports to be "open ended" and "a game where every mission has multiple outcomes and every choice has consequences" and all it boils down to is doing endless boring fetch and pest-control quests. Each and every time you're given has only one of two boolean outcomes - you either be a benevolent character or a baby-stabbing sociopath. Even better, there's really no difference between either choice because regardless of how good or evil you act, because you'll always be given the exact same quests. So even if you go around stabbing babies in the face for the entire game, everyone's still going to fully expect you to go fight the big bad guy at the end. They might as well just force you to play one role or the other for how little difference it actually makes.

Add to that a combat system that has absolutely no strategy outside of braindead button-mashing and two keys that literally let you fart and belch at people (You're a real maverick now, Timmy from Ms. Smith's second grade class!) and you've got one huge, boring, intelligence-insulting shlockfest that only an eight year old could possibly get a laugh out of. And this is supposed to be Peter Molyneux's vision of "the best RPG ever made"? Give me a fucking break. I've played better-designed, more varied and more mature RPGs with more options for story paths on the Apple IIe in the fucking 80s. Hell, those even had memorable characters in them, as opposed to Fable's cast which contains only poorly-defined charicatures that all fall into one of two categories: "boring shmuck" or "evil bastard who is an evil bastard just for the sake of being one".

UPDATE: After posting this, I got a LOT of whiny messages complaining that "Fable 1 was good" (which of course offer no explanation for WHY they think it's good other than I'm an evil fagtard who needs to burn in hell, or something similar). Well, since it's clear you're not going to defend your views in any intelligent manner, all I will say is this: You're just plain wrong, and I stand by every word of what I've said about the game here. Quit defending this crap just because it was the only RPG the original Xbox had to offer and you have some apologetic attachment to it as a result. Go play Fallout, Baldur's Gate, Planescape Torment, Ultima or hell, even Shadowrun on the Super Nintendo and you'll see what a shallow wankjob Fable really is (and was, even for its time).

Dead Space

When you talk about game developers having absolutely no respect for their audience's intellect, this is the poster child, throwing gore and violence that's unabashedly excessive in your face every ten seconds and "justifying" all of it with reasoning so contrived that it's just plain condescending. "You're using makeshift weapons to fight!" Yeah, I'm sure that whoever built that fucking sawblade gun and that "welding laser" that rips through flesh instantly while leaving metal completely intact had only the best intentions in mind. "Oh, and you have to shoot off their limbs because, uh... their vital organs and central nervous system were somehow entirely relocated to their hands and feet? Yeah, that's it! It's not in any way a cheap excuse just to show off all the gore splatter we spent 98% of development time violently masturbating to on Rotten.com researching and programming!" Give me a fucking break; there's making a dark, gory game just for the sake of doing so and then there's outright insulting my intelligence. To cap it off, this is all done to distract you from the fact that the game is nothing more than a boring, dumbed-down ripoff of System Shock that is literally marketed to thirteen year olds. Quit defending this trash and play a real game.

Or, the short version, if you prefer:

It's a shitty clone of System Shock 2 made by 13 year olds who equate being "provocative" (more like "childish and exploitative") with good game design. It doesn't work. Especially when your game's not scary ("hur hur predictable jump scare hur hur" every 8 seconds), you're doing the same one puzzle over and over again and the combat is boring as shit since you're always fighting ONE SLOW, STUPID MONSTER AT A TIME. oh, and it's five hours long and has no replay value just like every other EA game.

Final Fantasy X/X-2

Self-indulgent garbage that's handled with about as much care and attention to detail as your average Ed Wood film, but with none of the lovable campiness that descriptor might imply. A banal, predictable plot, horrible characters, shitty sidequests, god-awful pacing, and a ton of plot holes. Don't even get me started on the SEQUEL, which thought it would be a good idea to turn the protagonists into the fucking Spice Girls and completely destroy any dignity the franchise may have had left after its previous ass-raping. The bane of the once-proud Final Fantasy name.

Grand Theft Auto

Was this series ever any good? No, not really. It may have been fun to go on senseless killing sprees and get into high-speed chases with the cops for an hour or two, but once you realize that the game environment is dull and empty, the humor is juvenile, how repetitive the missions are and how flawed the engine is (constantly getting snagged on corners and screwed over by sloppy hit detection) it gets old pretty fucking fast. I wouldn't even care so much if it weren't for the fact that people still swear by this stupid goddamn series and rush out in droves to buy the newest one no matter how quickly they got they got sick of it the last twelve times they bought it. "Uh, yeah, Vice City was crap, it was only fun for like two hours." (Two months later) "DUDE YOU HAVE TO BUY SAN ANDREAS ITS SO MUCH BETTER THAN VICE CITY HOLY SHIT9*#6*&^#&*(%@^&%@&*^%@^&@4!" (Two months later) "San Andreas sucked, I got tired of it so fast." (Playstation 3/Xbox launch comes and goes) "DUDE GTA 4 IS THE FUCKING SHIT BUY IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW OR YOURE A COMMUNIST SHIT EATING FAGTARD(@*@^(&@%@(^@%$^*!$!!!" Kee-rist.

Silent Hill

Stumble through endless mazes of identical looking corridors checking every single door (98% of which are permanently locked) while fighting the same two monsters over and over again and desperately searching for the plot. Which isn't even worth it when you find it because it's all written by pretentious arthouse developers covering up their lack of talent with "darkness" and trite symbolism. And even if it weren't, it all falls apart in execution anyway thanks to the flat voice acting and disjointed dialog scenes. Then team all that up with idiotic, Roberta Williams-esque puzzles (use a strand of hair and a needle on a fucking sink drain to fish out a key... how would anyone ever figure this shit out without a guide?) and hackneyed horror cliches (heap on the "spooky" radio feedback, have every room filled with inky black fog to make sure you can't see more than four feet away and add a corny "film grain" filter to cover up the shitty texturing and countless jagged polygons!) and you've got a true disaster. The only thing "scary" about these games is the fact that they somehow keep selling.

Tales (the entire series)

It's a rare series indeed that not only makes you feel stupider for having played it, it flat out tells you you're stupider for having played it.

Oh, and who could forget this scene. (Quoted directly from TVTropes)

"One needs to find the Ymir Fruit in Ymir Forest before being able to reach Heimdall. This evidently necessitates the painfully tedious process of making the fruit drop into the water, and then getting the little fishies to guide the floating fruit all around the forest before one can obtain the item. Apparently, eight people cannot try anything else other than this — like summoning Undine, using their various weapons to try knocking it somewhere closer by (although it drops into the water reasonably close to the player anyway), asking the party member with * wings* to fly up and grab it, or best of all, just reaching down and grabbing the freaking item (something about "dangerous-looking fish in the water"). "Dangerous-looking fish" is made all the more pointless when you realize that the party contains The Messiah, a pair of incredibly powerful magicians, and an angel. Over the course of the game they've dealt with bunnies more intimidating than the "dangerous-looking fish" Lloyd is bitching about. Genis even poked fun at Lloyd for "squaring off" against the fish."

Not only do you hate yourself for sitting through hours of inane dialog and overblown cutesy horseshit, now it's outright insulting your intelligence too. That's pretty fucking low even by the standards of this series!

Digital Devil Saga

Take a great series, cut out all the memorable characters and unique story elements, ramp up the angst, violence and plot contrivances to the point of being farcical, dumb down the game mechanics to the point where there's zero strategy, then rip people by cutting the story off halfway through and making them pay another $50 for the second half. Way to go, Atlus, way to go. I'd expect this crap from EA or Namco-Bandai, but not you.

But hey, look on the bright side. They could have included a filler-laden second game in the middle and stretched it out to a trilogy before disappointing us with a shitheap ending, as so many other developers of late have been so fond of doing.


Actually, I take it back. The poster child for game developers' lack of faith in your intelligence is THIS game. Because when you've repackaged the same terrible shooter over and over again for years and sales start to fall off, you have to innovate to survive, right? Wrong! Just slap a childish gimmick on your crappy game and throw it right back into stores next month. "Oh look, you get extra points for shooting people in the balls and shooting their assholes out causes them to catch on fire! Ha ha ha! And you have to do this childish garbage to every single enemy you meet or you won't get enough points to finish the next level!"

At least people are seeing this game for the farce it is, though - on a previous visit to the local game shop, I saw that it already had TWELVE copies traded in. Yes, twelve. A game that's less than three months old and already there are a dozen copies traded in, all of which were the overpriced "Epic Edition" to boot. So yeah, I guess even the people who got suckered into buying "the game that will redeem the genre" will turn on you rather quickly if you don't provide any substantive content - you know, stuff like more than five hours of gameplay and a reason to play it more than once? Stuff that used to come STANDARD in the shooter genre? I can only hope.
 rawks  §  rad comments, dogg.
 ~Spoony Spoonicus  §  at 03:07am 05/30/11
Honorable Mention for Xenosaga as well. God, what a preachy, pretentious, self-indlugent pile of shit. Not to mention the constant use of 30-minute-long unskippable cutscenes. Even XENOGEARS showed more retraint than that.

Ah, and how could I forget .hack. Not only does it suck ass on principle for taking one bland game with zero plot, splitting it into four discs and and selling them all seperately for full price, it's based on one of the most boring, aimless animes of all time about a bunch of boring people standing around talking inside an extremely dull MMORPG. You might as well just watch nerds stream World of Warcraft - at least that way SOMETHING MIGHT HAPPEN.

UPDATE: It gets even better! Now they're releasing a .hack fighting game in a pale and pathetic attempt to cash in on the Persona fighter, totally forgetting that Persona had things like "memorable characters", "action-packed combat" and "a gripping story" behind it that could easily be adapted into a decent fighting game. .hack has nothing of the sort.
 ~Azul Rojo  §  at 10:00pm 05/30/11
Aww, not even an honorable mention for Dragon Age 2? Oh, wait. It's an EA game. That'd be too easy, right?

Damn. Now you've got me thinking of the games I don't like. I might have to start a list. BLARGH!
 ~Spoony Spoonicus  §  at 10:05pm 05/30/11
Dragon Age 2 was an awful, condescending pile of pig crap, yes, but these all far worse in my opinion.
 ~Washuu  §  at 12:30am 05/31/11
I hate Tales games because they're just recycled stock characters with every new game, but with different names.
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