- Spoony Spoonicus
From the depths of EarthBound fandom, arguably the most socially retarded and obsessive-compulsive of all fandoms (aside from Kingdom Hearts, Sonic, Evangelion, My Little Pony, Final Fantasy, Dead Space, Silent Hill, the Witcher, Dragon Age, Mass Effect, Deathnote and Yu-gi-oh, of course) comes a Mary Sue saga of unprecedented scale, the ongoing result of fifteen years of one man's undying obsession with EarthBound, Final Fantasy, Breath of Fire, Doom, Wolfenstein, Duke Nukem 3D, Ghosts n' Goblins, Dr. Who, magical girl anime and, of all the god damn things, Bubsy the Bobcat. Also, like most Fan Fiction authors, this one also has absolutely no confirmable formal training in writing technique and doesn't seem to have read a word of literary text in their life*. Be afraid, ladies and gentlemen. Be VERY afraid.

*Though to be fair, he does at least seem to know how to spell (for the most part) and proofread to a degree. His stuff may be turgid, absurd and profoundly insane, but at least it's readable!

So let's dive right in with ostensibly the first chapter of this neverending saga: The Magic of Green: The First Years.

---

PROLOUGE

- clobberpuppy
Professional luge: the fanfic!

May 7th... May 7th, 1987...

- Spoony Spoonicus
When men were men and grasshoppers ran small businesses.
- Megido
Not even a sentence in and we're already getting redundancies.

Days like this one, they are the variety that tend to seem inert and harmless to history, as many people are not always of full consciousness to what is around them. Days like this tend to be forgotten completely and passed off as simply another day in the limited span of a person's life.

However, the truth is, this day was to be very important to a select few, a select few whose fates seem interwined and destined to cross.

- Megido
You lied about the proofreading.
- Spoony Spoonicus
Well it's better than most fanfics I've read. And he can at least spell. Mostly.

For others, it is important since those directly involved are linked to the people in question. For others, they feel anger, others guilt, and more even feel happiness. Others know of the importance of these types of days, but do not visible show that they care, while in truth, deep down, they are furiously trying to figure out what happened.

Whatever the case may be, May 7th, 1987 was a very important day...

Alpincio Forest, Eagleland.

- Avatar
Al Pacino forest?
- clobberpuppy
Say hello to my little woodland friends!

Alpincio Forest was a large reserve of woods and forestland that rested along the city boundaries of two towns in Western Eagleland. One of the two towns was a place called Onett. Onett was said to be your 'podunkish' town, or in laymen's terms, the city that was extremely average, dull and uninteresting.

- Spoony Spoonicus
Ironically, this same universe also has a town literally named "Podunk".

However a couple of place of interest for tourists still existed in Onett. The first was the Arcade, which was also the hangout of all the kids in Onett, where they would go to relieve stress from their lives on the various arcade machines within. Some of the games included were said to be Pac-Man, Galaga, Donkey Kong, Pong, and even a Dr. Who pinball machine.

- clobberpuppy
And the perennial favorite, Street Fighter II: the Rainbow Edition.

Another place of interest in Onett was the Library, which for odd reasons, was the only known library in all of Eagleland, the other towns and cities, Twoson, Threed and Fourside possessed no libraries.

- Spoony Spoonicus
You know, you don't have to follow game design to the letter when writing a fanfic. Onett library's the only one that factors into the story, but that doesn't mean it's the only one that exists on the entire planet.

However Onett's library was also a gather place for some of the nuttier people in Onett and parts of Eagleland as well, as people tended to ramble on about "magic butterflies" and "giant ants", or "Giant Step", another great spot of interest.

- Avatar
Don't forget the creepy guy in the Jason mask!

The other town that was part of Alpincio Forest, was Twoson, which was also bordering the South portions of Onett. Twoson, on the other hand, it was a buyers' spot of interest, and also not as normal as Onett's boring climate. Such places of interest included the bicycle shop, just to the south of the entrance of town. Another right next to it was the Department Store. The Department Store was filled with people from all around Onett, Twoson and Threed, mainly for those who weren't in the mood to go to the store in Fourside, which was on the Easternmost shores of Eagleland.

- Spoony Spoonicus
Eagleland is apparently only four miles across or so.

Another special place of interest was Burglin Park further to the South. Burgin Park was home to year-round bazzares that sold various things ranging from condiments, to old broken junk that others may have found of use.

- Spoony Spoonicus
You wouldn't think it, but that dude makes a killing off of selling broken spray cans.
- Miles Edgeworth
Objection! Relevance?

However some caution was advised around Burglin: the place was also home to theives and sometimes robbers that would openly attack someone for money or other possessions. Another interesting note was that the boss of Burglin Park, Albert Everdred was also a partial crime boss and a dangerous person to some. Only those who knew Everdred personally were trusted friends.

- Avatar
Or those who beat him up with a baseball bat after he leapt off his roof to assault them for no particular reason.

In all of the buyers' pandemonium of Twoson, one other place of interest, also a one-of-a-kind in Eagleland, was the Polestar Preschool, owned by James and Penelope Polestar since 1979. This 8 year old building was both home to the Polestar family, and their two daughters, and also a place for the very young children of Eagleland to send their children. The Polestar girls, Paula and Sandra seemed to get along with a lot of the kids, despite being only 5 years of age themselves.

- Avatar
Paula and who?
- Spoony Spoonicus
Our Mary Sue protagonist for the next dozens of megabytes of reading.

However, the events of May 7th, 1987 did not take place within the town of Onett or the town of Twoson, but within Alpincio Forest itself...

Alpincio Forest was lush and densely aligned with trees and bushes, many of them populated well by Squirrels and other field mice of various types. Birds were chirping in the distance, and the sun was shining brightly, putting down 72 degrees of sunlight through the trees of the forest.

- clobberpuppy
There was a Raging Bull in the Heat of the forest and only Dick Tracy could stop him and bring Justice For All. And he had only 88 Minutes!

The air wasn't the most fresh, but it was much better off than the town streets.

"Yes, a better day than any to begin this charade, I would say!" came the voice of a human within the forest whims. The human was within a moderate sized clearing in the midsts of the forest outskirts. The human was a male, black skinned, with short brown hair, and was roughly 5 feet, 10 inches. His red eyes however, showed an air of chaos, bitterness and sarcasm in his voice. The truth was, the man hated his life for the most part, and he especially hated the prospect of peace.

- Sturm
He will be our one-dimensional villain for the evening.

"Sunlight, trees, warm air. Perfect situations for breeding chaos, I always say!" the man barked to himself again, in snidely sarcasm.

- Spoony Spoonicus
They should have titled this fanfic "Invasion of the 60s Batman villains".

He walked a few steps forward, and stopped on a dime,

- clobberpuppy
Yoink!

and proceeded to look upwards, and began raising his arms to the sky. The man began to mumble in a low voice, slowly picking up speed in his chanting.

"Abinora... Ahangodo... Balstinta... Satrunos... Harganis... Krehotia... FOYREM!"

- A maidmer
Astaroth, Beelzebub, Asmodeus, Baphomet, Lucifer, Loki, Satan, Cthulhu, Lilith, Hela! Blood to you all!

the man chanted, in a trance, and suddenly altering the vertical angle of his arms down and perpendicular with the ground, pointing his outstretched palms at the center of the forest clearing. At first, nothing seemed to happen, and people who had heard the man's chanting would've mistaken his words as those of a loon.

However it then happened. The ground began to slowly shake and tremble underneath his feet. The man did not flinch or seem worried about being discovered. He couldn't worry. No one would've felt that tremor unless about right on top of his location, as the magicial energies he had usurpered had only a small radius of effect.

- Miles Edgeworth
That's great. Can we get to the point already?

The ground continued trembling under the might of the Earth's magical convulsions, and the man's trance stiff as ever.

Suddenly more happened, the vacant space in front of the man began to crackle with thunder, starting slowly in occurance, as a small blue speck of light had began to fade into the middle of the vacant clearing of the forest. The small blue speck was actually the source of the rumbling of thunder, as it slowly began to expand in size over the perimeter of the clearing, expanding outwards and emitting sparks of energy from through the small blue void itself. After the portal had opened up roughly 10 feet in circumfrence, it stopped finally, but still continuing to pulse and drone on monotonously.

- Sturm
Just as this fanfic is wont to do.

The man smirked in contempt at his creation, his deed, his PORTAL. Yes, that was right. The man had created a dimensional rift that extended outwords and connected to one or many other different worlds.

- Megido
I'm much less impressed with this fact than the author wants me to be.

In other words, the man knew of ways to contact beings from other universes, planets, realities. At least it seemed that way.

- Spoony Spoonicus
Huh? Why would you establish that he has an ability, then go back and say he just "might" have it? Is it some desperate attempt to salvage tension or mystery?

"Now, to call it forth, call it forth to burn Eagleland, and then the world, asunder!" the man howled in anticipation, beganing to chant again, in yet another strange language, "Grangorta... Hinyeagh... Deluuim... Lingariva..."

- clobberpuppy
The elder gods of the Mouthwash Dimension were at his beck and call.

Now, you're probably wondering if this was the reason May 7th, 1987 was an important day. Well, this action was part of it, but what would ensue next was the other portion of it. One grain of sand the man had not anticipated...

Uh oh. Serpents, I bet. I know I told Mr. Everdred I'd be careful, but something seems wrong. Prehaps I can find out ahead of time what they're planning.

Came the thoughts of a small girl from just a bit aways outside of Alpincio Forest. The girl was small, roughly 2 feet, 3 inches with white skin, Sugar-pink hair and dark purple eyes.

- Spoony Spoonicus
She was some manner of anime princess who took a wrong turn on the Cosmic Interstate and somehow ended up in EarthBound.

She looked to a small opening along the border of the forest seperating Onett and Twoson from each other. She slowly crept her way into the opening in the trees, following the source of an odd chanting and murmuring. The girl seemed to notice a bit of thunder in the air, and small tremors beneath her feet. She became more urgent to find out what was wrong and ran.

Ran only to find herself entering the same clearing of the forest the taller black man was currently chanting his spell. The man seemed to be in a trance and didn't seem to notice her, and she could still hear him murmuring unknown phrases that definately weren't part of her own vocabulary. She decided to study the features of the man more destinctively.

- Megido
Grammar and spelling worsening by the paragraph.

She looked over his short brown hair, red eyes, his jacket, his shoes, his...

Wait, his jacket?

The girl focused in on an insignia on the upper shoulder of his jacket. A snake wrapped around a two-bladded battleaxe.

Cripes! He's a Serpent!

- Spoony Spoonicus
Okay. Who are the Serpents, who is this character, and why would she know what a Serpent even is? Fill us in, please!
- Miles Edgeworth
Just because he's from a video game (I assume) doesn't mean you can skimp out on the explanations when you're writing a story involving him.

As she had made this realiziation, the man, still unaware of her presense, began to chant again, this time in english, "Foul creature of the skies, of myth, of lore, of fire! I commandth you... be summoned to me... BE SUMMONED TO ME, your master Ramona!"

- Avatar
I always knew that Quimby kid was trouble.

The girl had finally realized the full effect of the spell in truth, and realized: the man was going to summon a creature from beyond their world to lay waste in the name of the Serpents. She growled at this, the Serpents were always a gang of hatred, evil and deception. However few knew of the truth in their abilities. Rumors flew around Twoson and Onett that they possessed the knowledge of Wicca, a magic that could tap into the planet itself to open portals, draw lifeforce from others, and many other chaotic effects. She had finally had enough of this!

- Spoony Spoonicus
"I, an unarmed, untrained five-year-old girl, will put an end to your evil!"

"Stop! That's enough!" she screamed at the man. The man was suddenly jolted out of his trance, and he jumped at the sight of her. He snarled.

"Who the he$ do you think you are,

- clobberpuppy
H-E-Dollarsign? I've heard of H-E-Doublehockeysticks, but not H-E-Dollarsign.
- Spoony Spoonicus
"If you took the drug known as "Sudden Guts Pill" and have had severe health problems since, you may be entitled to cash settlement. Call the law offices of H. E. Dollarsigns at KL5-CASH."

barging in on MY territory?" He roared. "And what made you and your lowlife cronies think this forest is YOURS in the first place?" the girl hissed back, "Exactly what are you pulling, Serpent!" "Well, I guess I can tell you now, but I tire of this boredom, this peace, this serenity. I wish to throw chaos into the mix." the man barked back. "You're sick!" the girl cried back in contempt.

- Miles Edgeworth
New line characters make conversations much easier to follow, I think.

"Perhaps, but you will be his first meal!" the man said back, referring to the creature he had just began summoning. The girl looked at the portal and back at the man.

He's trying to send the world to flame! Just like always, cruel as the rest of his misbegotten gang.

- Avatar
Dialog worthy of an overhead shooter from the 90's.
- clobberpuppy
It's Idiot Power!

She then tooked back at the portal, closing her eyes, and walking towards it, despite the gusts of wind coming from it, and trying to blow her frail form to the winds. "What the he#%? Do you have a death wish, brat!" the man yelled at her. The girl ignored him and continued and struggled against the wind, gritting her teeth tighter and tighter as she came within feet of the gate itself. She suddenly opened her purple eyes, her GLOWING purple eyes. The winds of the portal began to calm down slowly, getting the man's attention. "What! No... no! The spell's failing!" he growled.

- Spoony Spoonicus
And when could she do that? You know, it does help to establish these things before you start throwing them around.
- Miles Edgeworth
I've seen coloring books with a more coherent and better-established narrative than this.

The portal in truth was not failing. The glowing eyes of the little girl had been what caused it to calm down, er no... not calm down, more like change wind direction. Yes, the portal was now sucking in wind from Earth. The girl had changed the polarity of the portal's gravity. "Why the he% did the gate reverse direction?" the man was now growing red in the face in rage.

- Sturm
Honestly, what's the point of censoring it? He's saying "hell". That's PG territory at absolute best.

He then realized what the girl had done. "You rugrat bi&#%!

- Sturm
Okay, that one is a bit more warranted.

You did this, didn't you?" The girl didn't respond, as her eyes suddenly lost the omnious glowing in them, and she looked to him, and grinned a sickenly sweet smile at him, just to frazzle him...

- Megido
More bad spelling.

Just as the portal's pull seized her in its' grip, and she was drawn into the winds and shot through the gate. Realizing the gate had finally began transferring something signifcant from one place to another, it began to slowly shrink and shrink down, to the man's dismay, until it had completely vanished. The man snarled for appoximately 10 seconds in disbelief and anger. His opportunity was snatched away from him by a little toddler. He turned on foot to return through the forest paths, knowing his Serpent superiors would not be happy he failed.

- Spoony Spoonicus
What's stopping him from just opening another portal now that she's gone?

But as his visage left the clearing, he smirked.

That little girl had just sent herself to death's door. When she arrived, the same creature he had been attempting to summon would be waiting for her, and tear her to shreds. At least he would never see her again...

- Avatar
Well this story was pretty bad, but at least it was short. Later!
- Spoony Spoonicus
Nice try.

However, little did he realize the truth of what he had started...

The girl that had interfered with his plans wasn't just any Eagleland girl...

- Spoony Spoonicus
Clearly not, from what we've already seen.

She was a Polestar... she was Sandra Polestar...

And due to this, the Serpents were about to have company... very pissed off company...

In the form of Sandra's other sister Paula... who herself possessed abilities in secret that were as inhuman-like as Ramona's own...

- Megido
"Inhuman-like"?
- Avatar
I never knew Paula had the powers of darkness at her command. The power to summon hellfire, antarctic winds and lightning storms, sure, but nothing as evil and unnatural as demons!
- Spoony Spoonicus
Well, she does have a battle command called "Pray" that summons just as many harmful effects as helpful ones. She could very well be praying to Satan.

4 hours later, fighting and large flames were reported by Twoson reporters in the area, and several dozen Serpents were taken into custody, and their leader broken and fled from Twoson by Paula's following onslaughts...

- Spoony Spoonicus
This invading army got its ass handed to it by two five-year-old girls? The Serpents suck, man.

As you have probably figured out, this story is not of Ramona's accounts. No, Ramona, despite his gang being totally disbanded during Paula's anguished fighting, remained alive, and would flee to the West Coast and make a calmer life in North America.

- clobberpuppy
Those who knew him knew he later started a cult in Texas that went out in a blaze of gunfire, bad music and tear gas.

Still, the story also isn't about Paula and how she handles her grief and sadness over Sandra's disappearance...

This story is about Sandra herself, and the adventures she will have over time, and the friends, rivals, enemies, and other people she meets...

And as she learns the Magic of the Green Child...

- clobberpuppy
Prodigy of the Green Giant, herald of delicious vegetable product everywhere. Ho ho ho!

- Sturm
...Wait, that's the end? No begging for reviews or holding the next chapter hostage to up-votes and recommendations?

- Spoony Spoonicus
Not all authors are fueled by the praise of others. Some subsist entirely on their own insanity, telling the tale they always wanted to regardless of how underdeveloped, over-worded and derivative it ultimately is.

- Avatar
You know, I always wondered something: Why do fan fiction authors say they're basing a story on an existing franchise, then go ahead and write a dumb story that has nothing to do with said franchise at all? Like Shit Piece trying to shoehorn in demons, rape and murder or this guy making an "Earthbound" story and then immediately throwing all the familiar characters, settings and story elements straight out the window to make way for tons of other 90s franchises?

- Spoony Spoonicus
The mind of a fanboy is something we can never truly comprehend without becoming one ourselves. And that is a dark road I dare not venture down.