Yeah, we're actually doing a good game this time! Holy shit!

Rolf: Hi I'm Rolf, I work for the Motavian government, which is pretty much just a formality since everybody works for Mother Brain.
Governor: Rolf, there are monsters everywhere and the weather has stopped working! Find out why this is happening, we can't go on much longer like this.
Nei: I'm coming too. Oh Hi, I'm Nei. I'm apparently a hybrid of a human and a monster.
Rolf: That and you kept blocking the door until I agreed to take you along.
Nei: Yep.
Rolf: *Sigh* I knew I should have sprung for a house with a back door. Or a window at least.

The Peanut Gallery arrives to offer their assistance

Rolf: Okay, so we're not here all day, give me your credentials in 25 words or less.
Rudo: I shoot things.
Amy: Healer character the game is nearly impossible without.
Hugh: Biologist with a skill set and equipment limitations that make me all but useless after the first third of the game.
Anna: Bounty hunter who wields a kickass boomerang. TWO, even!
Kain: World's worst repairman with a side job as a Lupin III impersonator. No, I don't actually steal things.
Shir: But I do!
Rolf: That's everyone? No Obligatory Cute Girl Who Never Does Anything?
Nei: Nope, all the women here are pretty damn useful.
Rolf: Well, that's a first.

The party makes their way to the Bio Labs, which requires several detours through convoluted dungeons and bearing witness to at least one murder/suicide. Eventually they blast open some stubborn doors and acquire the logs

Governor: My god, according to this the biomonsters are multiplying so rapidly because so much power is being diverted from Climatrol!
Rolf: Well I guess that explains that. I still don't get why the floors were coated with lava though.
Governor: Rolf, you must investigate Climatrol and find out the cause of this anomaly!
Rolf: Alright, where's this next gigantic labyrinth of a building?
Governor: At the bottom of the ocean.
Rolf: So do we have a submarine handy?
Governor: No.
Rolf: Diving equipment?
Governor: No.
Rolf: A boat?
Governor: No.
Rolf: So you built a facility that controls the entire planet's weather at the bottom of the ocean and have no means of getting to or from it? Whose brainiac idea was this?
Governor: Mother Brain's.
Rolf: I'm beginning to think that leaving all of our technology and running of the government up to a spacefaring supercomputer of unknown origin was a really bad idea.

Rolf and co. end up having to borrow a jet ski from some smelly Motavians and using some magical chewing gum (yes, seriously) to get to Climatrol. After trekking through the biggest and most ridiculous teleporter maze yet they encounter Neifirst

Neifirst: (Deep breath) My name is Neifirst, I am the result of experiments with monster and human DNA. I became too beligerent so they tried to kill me, but I escaped and unleased the biomonster cataclysm upon Motavia as an act of revenge. Also, Nei and I were once the same being but she seperated from me because I'm so damn evil.
Rolf: That's... pretty messed up.
Nei: Yes. Now I must fight her alone even though she is many times more powerful than me!

Nei dies a tragic death

Rolf: Nei, your foolish attack will not be in vain!

Neifirst falls remarkably easily with three party members at the players' disposal

Neifirst: Surprise! Mota's flooding now.
Governor: Rolf, you must open the dams to prevent the lake from flooding and destroying the whole continent! Also the government's blaming you for this entire incident so all the enemies on the overworld are now robots after your blood.
Rolf: Man, why can't villains ever just go down easily?
Amy: Because then the plot would hit a dead end.
Rolf: Oh yeah. I sure hope future games learn from that example!

With the help of a really sexist musician they acquire the dam keys and open up the four dams. Not surprisingly, said dams are enormous, convoluted mazes of corridors and teleporters.

Army Eyes: YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR DAMAGING MOTHER BRAIN.
Rolf: I think she was already pretty whacked if she thought making every building on the planet into a rat maze was a good idea.
Army Eyes: SILENCE.

Despite the party's best efforts to fight them off, the Army Eyes capture them and take them to Gaira

PA: You shall stay here and await execution!
Rolf: When's that?
PA: Right now!

Gaira is set on a crash course for Palma, and despite running past a lot of enemies to reach the control room they are unable to stop it

Deus ex MachinaTyler: Hi, you don't know me and I barely know you, but I saved you from dying horribly. Too bad Palma itself was completely destroyed.
Rolf: The whole planet was blown apart?! How big was that satellite anyway?
Tyler: A whole lot bigger than it looked from the inside, that's for sure. Anyway, bye!

The team is dropped off back in Paseo without another word

Amy: That was... confusing.
Anna: How the hell would we even get enough materials to build such a huge satellite?
Rudo: Let alone enough to build hundreds of starships the size of small planets... oops, I just spoiled part of Phantasy Star 3.
Rolf: Friends, it's 1989. Logic doesn't come standard in video game plots until the middle of the next decade. Anyway, let's see if we can do something about Mother Brain, she's obviously batshit crazy.

They bum the last spaceship on the planet from the Governor and fly to Dezolis

Rudo: This spaceport's a real dump.
Amy: It says we can talk to cats if we wear a magic hat?
Rolf: Hi?
Musk Cat: Piss off!
Amy: It also says to look out for bootleg magic hats.
Rolf: Okay, I'll try this one then.
Musk Cat: All the animals on this planet mutated due to poison gas.
Rolf: Well that explains why we're fighting zombie rabbits and giant mammoths in a spaceport.
Anna: At least it's a nice break from all those damn robots.
Rolf: Don't look outside, then.
Anna: Damn it.

They get to a town of Dezolians. After a bit more trial and error with hats, they upgrade their equipment and head through the Crevice, eventually ending up at the Esper Mansion

Lutz: Hello, I am Lutz.
Rolf: No way, you're Noah from Phantasy Star 1.
Lutz: No, my name is Lutz.
Rolf: Okay, fine, whatever.
Lutz: Anyway, in order to stop Mother Brain, you must acquire Nei's weapons scattered around Dezolis.
Rolf: They're called "Nei" weapons?
Lutz: Yes.
Rudo: Wasn't Nei born like a year ago?
Rolf: Yeah. Either that's an amazing coincidence or there's a major plot paradox here.

(Either way, the plot offers no explanation for this anomaly)

The party travels through the most convoluted dungeons yet, acquiring several Nei items. Eventually they return to the Esper Mansion

Lutz: Nope, you don't have them all yet. Come back when you do.
Rolf: Damn it.

The party finds another dungeon they missed earlier, acquiring more Nei items

Lutz: Nope, still missing some.

The party backtracks through every dungeon they've visited - twice - finding a couple more pieces they missed.

Lutz: You're still missing some.
Rolf: Well can you give us a clue at least? This is really getting annoying.
Lutz: No.
Rolf: Asshole.

After hours, possibly days, of searching and annoying trial-and-error, the party FINALLY finds everything

Rolf: That better be the last of them. If I see one more Rabigut or Cooley61 I'm going to explode.
Lutz: There's one more.
Rolf: You son of a--
Lutz: Relax! It's in that box over there.
Rolf: Oh, okay.

Rolf gets the Neisword

Lutz: That sword can dispel evil.
Rolf: Kind of like the Master Sword?
Lutz: Not really.
Rolf: Okay... anyway, we've got all the goods, now what?
Lutz: To space with you!

They are teleported to Noah, which to no one's great surprise is large, labyrinthine and full of monsters

Rudo: Mother Brain must have a serious thing for Dungeons and Dragons.
Anna: That would explain why she's become so insane and evil.

Many teleporters later, they come to a treasure chest

Dark Force: ROAR, you have just opened Pandora's Box! It contains all that is evil!
Rolf: I doubt that, we ran into a hell of a lot of evil before we came here.
Dark Force: No, fools, I mean I'm going to make YOU evil!

The fight ensues, though much of it is spent with your party doing useless and annoying things like trying to run away, cowering in fear, or trying to steal each other's items. After a few turns of this nonsense, the Neisword shines and returns everyone to normal, usually just in time for Dark Force to afflict them again. After nearly half an hour of sneaking hits in between brainwashings, Dark Force eventually falls

Anna: Well, that was really obnoxious.
Amy: No shit.
Rudo: Since when do major bosses come in treasure chests, anyway?

They continue a bit further, eventually coming to Mother Brain

Mother Brain: I am the ruler of all of Algo. You dare defy me?
Rolf: Yup.
Mother Brain: Fools, you are hopelessly dependent on me! If I die Algo will fall into chaos and you will be forced to sit through a poorly programmed and completely plot-irrelevant sequel!
Rolf: Well, I didn't come all this way to chicken out at the last minute. Die!

Despite having some really impressive graphical effects for 1989 and dealing a lot of damage each round, Mother Brain isn't a very difficult fight

Rolf: Well, I guess we'd better get back to Motavia and try to prevent massive panic
Lutz: Rolf, you can't return again!
Rolf: I can't return? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Lutz: ...
Rolf: Answer me, damn it!
Lutz: ...
Rolf: *Sigh* fuck it, let's just see where this corridor goes.

They walk through Mother Brain's destroyed casing and end up in a room with hundreds of people

Rolf: Okay, who the hell are you?
Earthmen: (Deep breath) We are from a planet called Earth, which we thoughtlessly destroyed after becoming corrupted by greed and power. We built Noah and set off in search of a new home. Eventually we found Algo, built Mother Brain to lull its populace into submissiveness, and were about to finish them off to claim this system for our own. And we would have gotten away with it if not for you!
Rolf: Holy shit. That Dark Force guy was a saint compared to you guys.
Earthmen: Pretty much. But now we're going to kill you and continue with our plan regardless!

Rolf and company clash with the Earthmen; their fate is left ambiguous for the next five years as the credits roll and sad music plays.