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 lard pirates dawt cawm  §  Things I Learned From Bad Games, Volume 1 / by Spoony Spoonicus
 
 
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 ~Spoony Spoonicus on 01:47am 12/11/08 (10:32pm 11/20/08) in 2h54m54s  §  2045 eyeballs
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Rise to Honor

  • You often take less damage if you don't try to block attacks.
  • Every fight can be won simply by running a short distance up a nearby wall and then falling on your enemies as they approach you one by one.
  • Martial arts masters lose all self control if they have a baseball bat in either hand, often swinging at air until they are caught against a wall and then promptly getting killed by whoever they were supposed to be fighting.
  • Every time something cool happens (like, say, kicking a guy off a motorcycle), you will immediately get tired of it since you will have to do it fifty more times to complete the stage.
  • Guards cannot see or hear anything in a well-lit theatre or warehouse without a flashlight.
  • Your average bar owner is a better fighter than a Yakuza assassin.
  • If your assailant proves immune to all conventional attack, pick up your girlfriend and swing her at him. It works wonders.
  • Jet Li's favorite combat maneuver is standing perfectly still until no less than half a dozen thugs surround him, then desperately fighting to stay on his feet as they all rush him at once. This fact is made obvious because he does it no less than eight times per stage.
  • Having guards shamelessly advertise the game you are playing is both acceptable and hilarious, and not at all cliché! Ha ha ha!
  • The laws of physics do not apply to discarded weapons; they will either stick to walls or hover in place in mid-air.
  • In San Francisco, brakes have been removed from all cars. The only way to stop is to ram your vehicle straight into something.
  • It is proper conduct to yell "BLOCK THIS!" while investigating a strange sound outside your apartment.
  • Guns only run out of ammo AFTER you've finished shooting all the bad guys. You can literally just leave one standing and shoot at a wall for three hours straight without ever emptying your clip.
  • If a villain hears thousands of bullets being fired around the corner by an unstoppable killing machine, they will stay right where they are and speak about it as if it happened hours ago.
  • It is possible to perform a leg-sweep on someone if they are in mid-air.
  • It is necessary that every game ever made since 2001 has bullet time in some form. Rise to Honor conforms to this standard by having it no less than twenty times per fight.
  • Just as it is very difficult to find a game that can be considered "perfect", it's very difficult to find a game that has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. However, I think I've succeeded with Rise to Honor.

    Silent Hill

  • 98% of all doors in the universe are jammed shut forevermore. There is no indication, visual or otherwise, that tips you off of this, so you have to try them all one by one and you'd better damn well remember which ones actually go somewhere.
  • Maps are useless because the interior of every single building in the universe looks like a combination of a featureless hallway and a slaughterhouse floor.
  • People will calmly converse with you about inane things while the streets of their home town are filled with pterodactyls on a killing rampage.
  • People always wear the same blank expression whether conveying apathy, rage, fear or sadness.
  • These are the only emotions anyone in Silent Hill is capable of, and they swap between them at complete random.
  • Guns are useless when your target is more than five feet away, which means you might as well use that shitty plank of wood you found in a dumpster for the entire game.
  • This rule is the polar opposite of Dungeons and Dragons, where you need to train for months or possibly years before you can wield a club.
  • Carrying a 200-pound butcher knife slows you down only when it's in your hands; if it's in your pocket, it's not even heavy in the slightest.
  • The innovative camerawork always positions the viewpoint right in front of your character's face so that you can never see what the hell you're doing, and the "reset camera" button just slowly pans it to the side of your head, snapping back in front of your face the second you let go.
  • The grainy haze over everything makes it impossible to tell what vague black shapes are items and what are part of the background. Therefore, you just have to wander around clicking on everything until you find what you need.
  • What's that, you found the exit? What, you can't leave? Silly ass, you have to go strike up a boring conversation with all three people in the building that haven't been turned into zombies composed of about eight polygons each! No, you don't get any clues as to where the fuck they are; go try every single doorway again, then come back and I might let you through.
  • Entering one room on one floor and walking back out can deposit you in a different hallway on a different floor, which isn't so much "spooky" as it is just really stupid.
  • Men with huge metal apparati on their head whom you walk in on violently murdering zombies will calmly leave if you unload a full clip of .38 caliber hollow points into their chest.
  • The game employs King's Quest puzzle logic; that is to say, none at all. So you have to bumble around collecting every shitbrained object you run across and trying it at every location imaginable in order to proceed. At least they don't screw you over at the end for choosing the wrong object three hours back, though.
  • When people say a game is "scary" or "disturbing", there's a high probability it's a boring, mostly eventless tour of thousands of identical hallways. See also: Dead Space.

    Parasite Eve 2

  • Pistols are as weak as a spitwad, but you'd better damn well be using them all the time since ammo for everything else is rarer than the Chupacabra, and if you're not hoarding all of it for the bosses, you're fucked.
  • In the future, all money has been replaced with "Battle Points" and FBI agents draw a salary based solely on how much killing they do on the clock.
  • Inversely, running from battles they can't hope to win results in a pay cut.
  • Steam pipes and live wires are more deadly than a grenade to the face.
  • You'd better revisit every room multiple times after every key event and kill every single enemy you see, otherwise you won't have enough experience and money to finish the game.
  • Locking on is actually counterproductive, since you always turn to face enemies even when you're trying to dodge their attacks.
  • Mitochondrial control, as with all other miraculous forces in games, is broken into stereotypical abilities based on the four Greek elements.
  • Somehow, making your gun throw bullets harder is an "Earth" power. Well, at least it's more creative than the old "drop a boulder on their head" cliche.
  • You'd think science would learn its lesson after everyone in New York either lit on fire, got mauled alive or was turned into Jello by the previous Eve they made, but nope!
  • Like most survival horror games, you can only carry a few items at a time. UNLIKE most survival horror games, most of the places you can store your items can't ever be come back to once you leave the current area, so you'd better not get too attached to any of your swag.

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