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 lard pirates dawt cawm  §  Things I Learned from Bad Games, Volume 2 / by Spoony Spoonicus
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Things I learned from Bad Games, Volume 2

Mega Man X7

  • Mega Man isn't even in his own game until you're 75% of the way through. Amazing, isn't it?
  • Water kills you on contact despite the fact that you could spend entire stages under it in your earlier days.
  • It is much easier to shoot an enemy thirty yards away than it is to shoot one that's right in your face chewing up your entire energy bar.
  • An "Explosion" is an extremely underwhelming wave of fire that travels roughly four inches before fizzling out. Should it actually hit something, it hurts about as much as one standard bullet.
  • When called in to rescue hostages, don't expect to get them all. Most of them were killed before you even caught sight of them.
  • Somehow, Doctor Light would predict that you would run into trouble on no less than eight different occasions and even managed to leave you sets of armor in enemy bases that hadn't even been built yet.
  • Getting shot by a laser big enough to blow up the moon is less painful than a sucker punch to the jaw.
  • Sigma's design in this game couldn't be uglier if they tried, but at least it's an improvement over Mega Man X6's wheezing hobo in tattered rags.
  • People will tell you throughout the game that Axl's ability to turn into enemy robots is useful. Read that last sentence again; does turning into a robot capable of attacking once every five seconds sound useful to you? I didn't think so.
  • Zero effectively has unlimited weapon energy, which would be useful if it were possible to aim any of them or if any were capable of doing any significant damage. As is, you're better off just using his sword or X's gun all the time.
  • Perhaps the only redeeming thing about this game is that when you get a powerup in the stage and die at the boss, you can apply that powerup and then jump right back to the boss; you don't have to do the entire stage all over again.

    Mortal Kombat

  • Take away their special moves and every character plays exactly the same.
  • Hell, a lot of them even look the same; I counted at least eight palette swapped ninjas and three cyborgs.
  • The characters only land when they feel like it; you can do a leg sweep right where they're about to touch down and they'll just bounce right into the air again without ever brushing the ground.
  • It doesn't matter how fast you are or even if they're in the middle of a move; the computer will always duck your uppercuts and counter with their own, stop your jump with a midair projectile, and counter your high kicks with leg sweeps. Every time.
  • Mysteriously, only some of this remains true if you play on the right-hand (Player 2) joystick. Guess they got lazy with the AI programming.
  • Missing with an attack will give your opponent enough time to set down the controller, have a coffee, do their taxes, play a complete round of Pac-Man and still have plenty of time to come back and counterattack you while your character's helpessly flailing.
  • Teleport moves only serve to get you further trapped in corners, which defeats the entire purpose of having them.
  • The bosses are stronger, faster, and have higher priority with their attacks than any boss in any SNK game in history. 40% damage AND a five-second stun on the same move? What the hell, guys.
  • Incidentally, your only hope of beating any of the bosses is to find a loophole in their AI and exploit the shit out of it. If you try to take them out in a straight fight, you will lose. Every time.
  • Despite the entire series being about violently killing your opponents, every character will inevitably return alive and well in the sequel. And the following sequel. And the one after that.

    Grand Theft Auto

  • Falling in water deeper than a kiddie pool means instant death. Never attempt it.
  • Unless you're near a boat, in which case you'll magically appear on deck about 50% of the time and lose only a small amount of health.
  • All you have to do to deter the police after a high-profile killing is drive back to the pink ring outside your mansion and call "Safe!" They will have no choice but to immediately pack up and leave.
  • Speeding vehicles apparently hurt about as much as punches; you can run someone over with a fire truck and back up over him five or six times and he'll still have the nerve to stand up and shoot at you.
  • Police are apparently like Agents from The Matrix; piss them off enough and every third vehicle you pass will magically turn into a police car and begin pursuit.
  • Hiding out within a safeguarded building for eight hours will not deter the police in the slightest; they'll patiently sit outside, just barely out of your sight, waiting for you to come out.
  • Inversely, driving into a chop shop with eight military tanks and four police helicopters in pursuit will immediately cause them to get bored and leave.
  • With very few exceptions, nobody anywhere locks their car door or bothers to have an alarm installed.
  • It's impossible to fire a gun and move your feet at the same time and every time you fire you're stuck in place for several seconds, so you'd better have the accuracy of John Rambo and the reflexes of Spider-Man, otherwise every shootout's going to end with your death.
  • Getting hit by a bullet only hurts a little bit, but sticking your toe in the very edge of a molotov cocktail's impact zone will leave you almost dead.
  • If you get a gun pointed at you while seated in a vehicle or get knocked to the ground, the fight's over. Never mind that that same police officer just shot you ten times at point-blank range while you ran up to him and hit him with a baseball bat.
  • Telephone poles and light fixtures fall over at the slightest tap, but hitting a tree will leave your car heavily damaged and the tree none the worse for wear.
  • Barely nudging a tank causes motor vehicles to explode like the Hindenburg.
  • One of the very few games that I actually fell asleep playing. And that's saying something considering that Quest 64 couldn't even bore me to that point.

    More to come!
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