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 lard pirates dawt cawm  §  CHUT TRADING TAGS: SERIES 2 / by Spoony Spoonicus
 the waggoner  §  articles and general riff-raff exceeding your expectations of worthlessness.
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 ~Spoony Spoonicus on 10:23pm 01/11/09 (12:19pm 12/23/08) in 5h13m36s  §  2548 eyeballs
 anchors: none.
Collect them all!

- The Meteor
A murderous purple slimy meteor wanted throughout the galaxy, he enslaved Doctor Fred Edison and forced him to make a machine to steal the brains of teenagers for vaguely-established reasons. He is quick to abandon that project when an offer of fame and fortune comes along, though.

- Alan Smithee
A detective dog who's been taking a bite out of crime since the 80's. He serves much the same purpose even on Lardpirates, a site populated by several of fiction's greatest villains and full of general debauchery from everyone else.

A sentient speaker box who provides all auditory necessities to the Lardpirates' endeavors, mostly in the form of Heckles. Sound FX is also very passionate about his role in the medium, and won't hesitate to complain when its powers are misused by featured authors.

- Commander Ladd
Perhaps best known for exploding Hitler's head like a watermelon full of M-80s, Commander Ladd stars in the popular Bionic Commando platformer series. After a fifteen-year hiatus which bottomed out with his reading of the notorious Shit Piece, he has dusted off his bionic arm to swing into the video game world again, uttering something along the lines of "the dangers of the battlefield are preferable to this trash any day". Godspeed, Ladd!

- Alpha Communicator
Ladd's communication device, which serves as his means of acquiring information. However, it tends to receive interference at the most inopportune times, often resulting in archaic nonsense or, more commonly, an endless repetition of "GA... GA... GA...". At present, Alpha is the only other chut to use the Fixedsys font.

- Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future
He knows all that is and all that ever will be, and he's willing to tell it to you in excruciating detail.

The almighty Himself. When evil threatens the Earth He dons his blue armor, wields a big fucking sword and kicks the collective ass of the forces of evil, all while jamming to some of the greatest video game music ever composed. Rock on GOD, rock on.

- The President
The president of everything. That's right, he is most definitely the president. Despite his prestigious position, he's pretty much completely incompetent, and has to rely on a foul-mouthed five year old girl and her robot maid to get anything done. Of course, she rarely ever finishes her assigned tasks, much less does them right, but that hasn't deterred the President in the slightest.

- Travis Touchdown
An assassin residing in the town of Santa Destroy, California, who carries out contract killings and works all sorts of odd jobs in order to climb his way up the ranks of the United Assassins Association. Has bad luck with the women, partly because of his profession, but mostly due to his asinine personality and an overwhelming obsession with professional wrestling, video games and magical girl anime.

- Mayor Mike Haggar
Ex-wrestler turned mayor of Metro City, Mike Haggar doesn't take crap from anyone. When his daughter was kidnapped by punks, did he just sit back and cave in to their demands? Hell no! He took to the streets to bust heads and eat delicious street turkey. Currently passing the time in the Heckles section as he awaits a revival to the Final Fight franchise; like most every other sane person, he refuses to acknowledge Streetwise as such.
 rawks  §  rad comments, dogg.
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a cherry