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 lard pirates dawt cawm  §  The Lardpirates Present: Helpful Hints On How Not to Be a Douchebag in Team Fortress 2 / by Spoony Spoonicus
 the waggoner  §  articles and general riff-raff exceeding your expectations of worthlessness.
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 ~Spoony Spoonicus on 11:34am 07/18/11 (01:14pm 01/16/09) in 2h3m1s  §  2964 eyeballs
 anchors: none.
  • Don't wail on the Call Medic button constantly when you're hurt; it's annoying and it doesn't accomplish anything since the icon stays over your head for a full ten seconds anyway.

  • Be useful. Instead of whining that there's not enough of class X, here's a thought: switch to that class yourself instead of dicking around as a Scout or Sniper that gets maybe one kill every two minutes. If you're constantly complaining that none of your Engineers have guns up, here's another thought: try COVERING them so they don't get sapped or blown up before they're even fully built. Instead of just, you know, rushing past them to the the front lines so you can get blown up by the same enemy sentry over and over and over again.

  • Quit trying to show off. I know it's "cool" when you can burn a guy and then Axtinguisher him for a quick kill, but if you can't hit with melees consistently and just end up chasing the guy across half the map swinging like an idiot, you're wasting time you could be use to help your team fend off other people. Efficiency is more important than image, folks.

  • Turn off the aim bots, speed hacks and crit cheats. You don't look "cool" when your Sniper is getting ten headshots in three seconds and running faster than a Scout; you look like a jackass and BOTH teams are going to hate you for it. I outgrew the Game Genie years ago, what's taking you so long?

  • Medics, this one's for you: Don't ditch your allies. It's pretty asinine to follow someone all the way to the front lines, then break off and run the second you encounter any danger, leaving them to get killed. Especially when you could have hit the Uber and cleared out a large chunk of them all at once.

  • Additionally, when you get an uber, choose the right person for the job; Heavies can't take out distant sentries, Soldiers are too slow to destroy more than three or four targets, and don't ignore your Pyros - they can do a surprising amount of harm to both enemies and buildings in that short time.

  • Don't come in when you have a really high ping. It's obnoxious when nobody can hit you because you're strobing all over the place and getting headshots shooting at someone who wasn't there 400 milliseconds ago. Shut off your torrents, pause your downloads, and get rid of your shitty 56K modem; the year 1998 is long gone.

  • Don't whine when someone takes the health pack before you get there and you burn to death, or if a Medic doesn't see you and start healing in time. "OH GOD, I'M FLIPPING SHIT BECAUSE I'M OUT OF THE ACTION FOR TEN FULL SECONDS!" It happens, either deal with it or find an instaspawn server so I don't have to put up with you anymore.

  • And for that matter, if you call Medic, don't fucking run in the opposite direction of the Medic or around in circles, especially when there's a lot of your teammates grouped together. It makes it pretty damn hard to heal you.

  • Test your microphone before you try to play; the game has an option in settings for exactly this purpose. If you can't get your voice to come back as anything other than dead silence or as a loud, static-laced KFFBKJFFGFFFBFFF, just use text chat. No one wants to listen to that shit the entire game.

  • Finally, here's the most important tip of all: don't get into pissing matches. There's nothing more aggravating than getting to the last point, then watching as three idiots on your team sit in the spawn and type playground insults back and forth until the clock runs out. If you're not going to play, leave the server and bitch at each other in Steam Chat instead of ruining the game for everyone else. Instead of getting into a pissing match with a whiny cunt on the other team, remember that all that time he's sitting in his spawn trying to think of better insults than 'faggot' and 'noob' is time he's not spending helping his team - exploit it.

    - vinic
  • Engineers on defense on payload maps: stay at the front lines. Your team needs teleporters, dispensers, and the help of a well placed sentry. Don't you god damn build a sentry at that little corner at the very end of the map and stand around for fifteen minutes. If your argument is "well they always get to this point anyway!", the reason is because you're jacking off. Grow some balls, quit being a waste, and head into the heat. You'll become a better player.



    More to come; paradoxical as it is, most of our species' intelligence goes toward inventing new ways to be imbeciles.
     rawks  §  rad comments, dogg.
     ~Spoony Spoonicus  §  at 02:09pm 01/16/09
    Further advice for owners of servers!

     ~Azul Rojo  §  at 10:14pm 01/16/09

    • Yes, most people know which classes they're not good with, but will play as one of them if no one else wants to. These people don't need you telling them how bad they are with that class each time you kill them. Stop being a fucking arrogant dick.

    • It's great that you can get an amazing amount of kills without cheating. Really. However, no one really wants to hear you gloat about how great you are, and how noobish everyone else is. Again, stop being a fucking arrogant dick.

    • Yes, Spies can disguise as their own teammates. Calling it a useless ability for sucky Spy players just shows how little you know. It's amazing how much a friendly disguise can fool the other team.

    • When the Medic ubers you and runs into the room protected by a Lv. 3 Sentry, follow the Medic. Toddling on off to kill an enemy who was heading out of his base and DIDN'T KNOW you were there is a waste of an uber.

    • Quit building teleporters on the stairs of 2Fort. Yes, they can slow down Spies; however, they also slow down burning teammates who are trying to get to the spawn room for a much needed health boost. Build teleporters to help your teammates.

    • If you want to farm some achievements, go to an ACHIEVEMENT server. People on a GAMING server aren't going to drop everything they're doing just so you can farm.

    • Teams on smaller maps don't need 4 Demomen. Or 4 Snipers. Or 4 Engineers. Or 4 Pyros.

    • Yes, the (Medic + Medigun) + (Medic + Ubersaw) team-up is impressive. It's also incredibly useless to your injured teammates. Stop doing it.

    • Spies: Stop bitching when a Medic overheals you. You will no longer be given away by overheal symbols. Valve fixed that.

    • Medics: Stop healing disguised and/or cloaked Spies in plain sight of the enemy team (unless it's to grief some whiney twat or a cheating bitch).

    • Heavies and Pyros: When you're low on primary weapon ammo, do NOT ask the Medic to ubercharge you.

    • 13 year old trolls: If you only join a game to call the other players "fags," "cunts," "fuckers," and other pretty insults mommy wouldn't approve of, then leave. No one likes attention whores.
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