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 lard pirates dawt cawm  §  The Best of FAQ, Part 3 / by Spoony Spoonicus
 
 
 the waggoner  §  articles and general riff-raff exceeding your expectations of worthlessness.
 
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 ~Spoony Spoonicus on 06:21pm 06/22/11 (01:56pm 02/05/09) in 39m14s  §  3351 eyeballs
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It's been more than a year since our last entry, so on with the FAQs!

juggalemos: fans of emo music and insane clown posse. rumored to cut themselves with hatchets.

Time to move up to chainsaws, boys.

mutant superweed: whenever theres a drug bust the press always says that the weed is "ten to twenty times stronger than normal marijuana.". it pisses stoners off because they really want to get ahold of some of this mutant superweed for themselves.

Someone's pulling someone's chain.

spam: will not catch on fire, no matter how hard you try.

In the unlikely event that you ever need to jerry-rig up a fireproof suit from food product, you now know where to turn.

eternity's child: the level editor was compared to a pencil drawing of a the worst looking dick. it has the potential to become better solely because it is drawn in pencil.

That's actually pretty clever.

tales of the abyss (5): Jade Curtiss, arguably the only adult party member in Tales of the Abyss, has a pacman eating dots belt buckle.

The only redeeming element of this shitty, shitty game.

best final rpg fight ever: the robot butler thats behind the attempted powergrab on evermore is now huge, pissed off, dressed like M. Bison, steel plated, and straddling a enormous chaingun.

Carltron rules your face.

the turning point in rattar's life: he was watching tom and jerry, a scene where tom has an axe and he's chasing jerry through the house with it. jerry slams a door and a bigass fucking buzzsaw blade slides through it, suddenly it stops and its revealed that it was tom with the axe, spinning at a billion RPM. it was amazingly bad ass.

Pit would later try to duplicate this in Brawl, but it just doesn't have the same effect with two daggers that combine into a bow.

The Medic: after a little bit of prepwork you get to choose one lucky teammate that will soon be granted every viking's greatest dream- becoming an unstoppable madman with no worries and no reason to stop killing.

For added effect, hold down the microphone key and let loose your best maniacal laugh as you shred through your enemies.

buster rod g: he is not here, genesis unit mean nothing to him

Much like the Abraham Lincoln FAQ of part 2, i have no idea of this FAQ's origin, but it makes me laugh

puking mad: a state of anger where you feel like throwing up, but you hold it down for the right moment to totally ruin someone elses day.

Anger begets invention, i don't care what anyone says.

stretch panic (2): where's my wii sequel?

Considering that maybe eight people on the planet actually like this game, i'm going to say it's not coming.

tales: the series that fell so deep into the outhouse even its own parents won't dig it out.

And i've heard stories of women lifting minivans with their bare hands to save their kids!

bruce lee's death: on his autopsy report it says 'death by misadventure.'
death by misadventure: if this is listed as your cause of death, then you have absolutely lived successfully.

I don't think anyone will debate that point.

Ragnar Lodbrok: A viking king that once sailed 5000 vikings to france and down a river to attack paris directly. he held the city ransom for 7000 pounds of silver, which he eventually got and left paris, heading north and stealing pretty much everything along the way.
Ragnar Lodbrok (2): After leaving france he then made a short pitstop back in sweden to drop off his loot before heading to the british isles. it was there he kicked the asses of two kingdoms before being defeated by a third. he was thrown into a pit of poisonous snakes, and as he died he yelled some words that amounted to "MY SONS WILL FUCK YOUR WORLD UP", which they did.

Awesome people FAQs brought to you by Rattar

goldeneye (5): a real life picture of a man's face never looked better on an n64 cart... ANY n64 cart... say, do you think pierce brosnan had a specific photoshoot for that picture on the cartridge? he looks like he's had a few drinks

The gear-switching in this faq never ceases to make me chuckle

gold rush: a team fortress 2 map where one team shoves a giant airstrike type bomb on a minecart towards the enemy base. the very idea is totally awesome.

See now guys, it wasn't so hard to think up something more fun than just "hey, see that guy with the different colored armor? shoot him in the head!"

stephen hawking: its all an act. the wheelchair? the computer he talks through? its all an act to hide his true identity - matthew lesko.

No wonder he's so rich.

dub piece: are we hypocrites for condemning shit piece for twisting the one piece characters into things they would never be and then praising dub piece for doing the same? yes. but its important to remember that fuck you.

I love anything that can make me laugh, even if it is just a bunch of mildly retarded high school kids recording impromptu humor over anime.

when vinic dies: he wants to be cremated, then have his ashes mixed into as much dynamite as possible. this dynamite will then be detonated in a pre-determined arrangement on a parcel of land purchased with what's left of his savings. from space, or at the very least commercial aircraft, the craters spell "best will ever."

Genius.

phildo: we still can't decide if he's fucking that jar of mayonnaise or driving it

The world may never know.

NiGHTS: hey sega, i have a proposal for you - shitcan sonic (he's well past his prime anyway) and make nights your new mascot. at the very least the nights games have more street cred than anything sonic's been in in almost a decade.

And another thing: bring back Ranger X!

flashbang studios: the nutjobs responsible for off-road velociraptor safari, jetpack brontosaurus, and minotaur china shop

Why the hell didn't anyone think of these before?

things gonterman can draw: men (all his women look like men), mullets, crossed eyes, sound effects, and different sized boxes representing houses, cars, and faces.

He tries to disguise it with the paint bucket tool and some shoddy Photoshop effects, but i see through his scheme!

vinland saga (2): "oh yeah bleach is SOOOOO great! i mean shit this guy's spiritual power is SO HIGH i mean LOOK AT THE REACTIONS ON THESE GUYS FACES." "Hey thats great. I'm reading Vinland Saga. They measure a character's strength by how many horses they've punched holes through with their bare hands recently."

Fun fact - to this day i still comment every saturday night about how terrible Bleach is, even when I'm not actually watching TV. Also, Vinland Saga is awesome, read it.

runaway five: a game with its own musical act! top THAT!

And no, don't bring up Final Fantasy X-2. Ever.

tales of the abyss (4): i PIRATED this game and i still feel ripped off.

He considered writing namco to demand the $1.10 for the DVD-R back but thought better of it.

best final dungeon in an rpg: smithy's factory. not only does he still have plenty of tough minions standing in your way, he's got an entire assembly line cranking out hundreds of toughened-up robotic replacements for all the ones you already beat!

I don't care what anyone says, robot doppelgangers are always awesome.

dictionary.com premium service: fuck you guys, i'm not paying you money just to read a word's definition.

Go to dict.org instead. Problem solved.

greatest shits: the box was supposed to say this in spoony's devil may cry 3 review, but his picture-editing skills are ass so he just left it.

In retrospect, the image of the game in the trash really says it all anyway.

PzkwV: short for "Panzerkampfwagen5"

Obscure trivia for a game you've probably never played!

unlimited saga (10): The United States localization staff has apologized for Unlimited Saga.

Hey, at least one team has the balls to apologize when they put out a shit product.

whiskey: not an acceptable substitute for anti-venom



total carnage: worth beating and getting the good ending solely for the fact that it consists of electrocuting hitler until he's nothing but a charred skeleton.

Early 90's patriotic cheese is the best kind of patriotic cheese.

peter puppy: just an average looking cartoon dog, but if he falls into a pit he turns into a GIGANTIC SCARY UGLY MUTATED FLYING INVINCIBLE SPIKED MONSTER and totally kicks your ass. he's awesome.

Why the hell don't games have characters this awesome anymore? Now it's just one faceless commando character after another.

bagpipes: AWESOME.

This cannot be debated.

click here: this phrase guarantees that i will NOT click it.

Time for a change of strategy, doubleclick.

dumbest comment on gametrailers: "it would be cool if you cpould use the spread gun in contra"

Wait, what?

gold ring in castlevania: one goon documenting his first playthrough of SOTN thought that the ring's inscription, "wear... clock..." was telling him to become flava flav.

I'll just refrain from comment here.

big o (3): apparently it's slang for barack obama now?

I expect our president to march down the streets in a giant crime-fighting robot and any day now.

whopper junior commercials: THEY'RE NOT FUNNY AT ALL, QUIT AIRING THIS TRASH.

This same piece of shit has been on for two fucking years. get a new gimmick already.

skate 2: "one of the most impressive sequels we've ever played" seems like a really dumb thing for a professional reviewer to say, much less for the marketing staff to put in the commercial.

It's kind of like saying "Best FPS game with guns in it" or "best racing game with cars" - it doesn't really say anything about the game at all.

aolwatch: i'm kind of amazed that this site's still up, considering it hasn't been updated since, what, mid-1998?

Mr. Cassell, if you have so much money to throw away on a dead website, can i suggest you send it to me instead?

icesword: for when you need a really annoying program dead and nothing else will kill it.

It wasn't even a trojan program either - it was a really fucking annoying virus scanner that wouldn't get the hell out of my system even after I uninstalled it.

zelda cdi games (2): the reason link is still a silent protagonist 15 games later.

Would you assign an official voice to your characters after seeing that abomination? i didn't think so.

dark council (3): continue to vote against you even when there's absolutely no chance they can best you in a fight.

"I'm level 20 and unarmed. he's level 4012 and has the game's best equipment. THROW DOWN!"


angle grinder man: a guy in a superhero costume who went around kent and london cutting clamps off of peoples' tires with an angle grinder saw. he is awesome. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/3112670.stm

A loon in a costume that we can all respect!

perfect dark (3): the best part of the game is watching a skinny little alien deck a raptor-looking beast three times his f'ing size with a single punch.

Elvis rules your face.

bleach (5): why does 22 minutes feel like three fucking hours when watching this show? it's amazing.

At least it lets me sextuple my productivity while it's on.

judges: the guys with the robes and funny little hammers that told you you weren't allowed to drink beer in the middle of a grocery store, then punch out a clerk that tried to tell you the same thing

MSTron at his finest.

david thewlis: is not legally allowed in china because of the movie seven years in tibet. is not legally allowed in zvalkyr's home because of the movie the island of doctor moreau.

One of the handful of laws i actually respect.

legend of zelda, twilight princess (4): because turning into a wolf is so much cooler than gorons and zoras and those damn deku plant things.

I think that's the thing i disliked most about majora's mask. Well, that and the fucking useless fairy that never shuts up.

knights of the zodiac: the only thing spoony remembers of the anime is a little girl saying "i want to kick you!" and then kicking a guy right in the balls

Yeah, that show was pretty rad.

double dragon (SMS): i've never seen any game that points out, in plain text on the back, the number of levels it has. It seriously just says "LEVELS: 4". Usually it says something like "FOUR EXCITING LEVELS OF FACE-PUMMELING FURY!"

That would kind of be false advertising, though, considering that it's one of the lamest ports i've ever seen.

bridge to terabithia: spoony saw this movie's commercial and remembered being assigned to read the book in 5th grade. he didn't.
bridge to terabithia (2): spoony also recalls losing the book and his teacher demanding that he reimburse her the $5. he never did.

And if you're reading this right now: fuck you, Schmutzer!

darkstalkers (cartoon series): i think i can safely say that this is the WORST cartoon adaptation of a video game ever.

The proof:

flatblack (don't delete).bmp: a file in spoony's miscellaneous images folder. as the name implies, it's just a flat black square. he forgot what it's for but he's still kind of afraid to delete it.

and so there it has sat for over a year.

More to come!
 
 
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