---

Lincoln of the Logs.

Marooned on a 3-foot-diameter island on the outskirts of a molten lava crater is a small, readily available supply of cabbages. These cabbages are no ordinary cabbages, which is easy to deduce based on the fact that the air surrounding the fully-healthy and intact vegetables is at a high enough temperature to piss off Fahrenheit and give the finger to Celsius.

The very same reason that the cabbages are not ordinary is the very same reason they haven't been eaten.

Of course, people have tried eating them. Actually, most people haven't even gotten that far. They have no idea at all what the cabbages were capable of, but they knew they must totally badass enough to be worth eating if not even molten lava wants anything to do with them. The problem is that most people don't get farther than Step 2: don't boil to death in the red bubble water. Then again, most people can't even get passed Step 1: Be smart enough to not step into lava.

The irony is that the man who ultimately rescued the marooned salad-base was smart enough to avoid Step 1, he just didn't care enough to let it be an issue.

Taint Bigsby was hungry. After developing a new stick of dynamite that tasted like licorice, he was then distracted by the lack of craters in the current forest he was camping out in, and when he took care of that troublesome problem, found himself with not only a lack of food in his stomach, but a lack of memory in his brain pertaining to the fact that the tasty-looking licorice stick before him was, in reality, either the deadliest thing in the world, or the most delicious deadliest thing in the world.

Of course, he ate it. After lighting it, of course.

Which wasn't an odd thing for him to do at all; he lights most everything he ever picks up, mostly out of habit.

"Mother of Fuck that was a tasty, questionably-discovered dietary suppliment." Taint immediately announced to no one at all.

However, while the feeling in his stomach didn't necessarily disagree about how tasty the treat was, it did seem concerned about the general state of the properties of matter, especially in relation to how nitroglycerin and anything not nitroglycerin tends to not only dislike eachother in their relationship, but end in divorce. In this case, of limbs.

And it was a nasty divorce.

Taint came-to a few seconds (and miles) later, literally, with a large boulder known to the common folk as "Fuck Boulder." (Not because of any love-making affiliations, but because everytime someone looks at it, they can't help but become flabbergasted say, "Fuck! BOULDER!!" It's a fucking large boulder.)

Taint was then knocked out, and came-to again a half-hour later, this time simply conciously.

"Fuck! BOULDER!!" Taint announced, and then promptly followed it with "Fuck! LEGS!!" Not because there were giant legs near by which flabbergasted him, but due to the exact opposite: there weren't any.

Well, he was sure there were legs, but they were a few miles away, flabbergasted and screaming themselves, "Fuck! BODY!!"

"Well, Grope-tease," Taint told himself, "It's time to break out the reserve."

---