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spank #629

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#629 <- dudley did 140!awards! ->


short stories
Dynamite Kingdom: Duds
15 minutes, 23 seconds. -> <- 2:36:47 pm, tuesday, may 1st, 2007 pdt
(updated 2:45:26 pm, tuesday, may 1st, 2007 pdt)
eyeballed 83 times since 02.14.08
part of chain: Dynamite Kingdom
Or How To Make Effective Holes In The Earth Friends and Enemies
first - previous - next - latest



"Hm, okay, goddamnit." Taint said as his head hung out of the window, in the pilot's seat of the severely crippled Air Grumpkin. Directly below him was a wide clearing in the forest, a vomit covered halfsquatch carrying a grappling hook, and four vomit covered men carrying grappling hooks.

"YOU! THAT PLANE WAS DECLARED OURS!" Screamed Loz, staying directly below the plane while keeping up a brisk pace. Looking up, he could spot Taint's head ducking in to the plane for a brief moment before popping back out.

"WHAT?" Taint asked, "I DONT THINK I HEARD YOU DECLARE YOUR LATEST JERKOFF, LETS COVER THAT FIRST."

"I DONT HAVE TO DECLARE THAT! THAT'S PRIVATE BUSINESS! SHUT UP!" Loz yelled in reply before throwing his hook up and catching the wing.

"OH OKAY!" Taint yelled and popped back in to the plane. Loz began to shimmy up the rope, finding that latching on to the plane has made the rope and himself much lighter. A window opened near the wing and out of it came a pool cue, which jabbed lightly at the hook, causing it to come loose. This made Loz notice that since he's not in some way touching the plane, he's very much heavy again and that falling from a height of eight feet can hurt him.

Taint's head appeared out of the window again. "DONT CLAW MY SHIP, ASSHOLE." he yelled, before dropping a stick of lit dynamite out of the window. A full minute passed as the fuse burnt, Loz stood and steadied himself, and Taint yelling "DAMNIT!" at the dud stick of dynamite laying on the ground. Topaz slammed the cockpit door open and startled Valk, who immediately fell back asleep.

"THE HELL IS GOING ON? IT'S THOSE DAMNED FOREST HIPPIES." She yelled as she stomped to the nearest window, but rather than looking out it, she quickly turned and smacked a stick of dynamite out of Taint's hand. "DAMNIT YOU'LL BLOW US SO FAR OFF COURSE!"

"Son of a-HEY! YOU WANT -ow- TO BLOW THEM UP OR GET KICKED IN THE RIBS?" Taint yelled as he stumbled off of his seat and hit his elbow on a cup holder.

"If you throw a stick of dynamite out the window and I swear I'll throw you down at it." she said as she picked up the stick and idly tossed it in an open crate of dynamite.

"Hey that was lit." Taint said, Taking advantage of the sudden scrambling and repeated use of "shit" to slide another stick out from his jacket and light it, before dropping it out the window. He sat back down in his seat and said "Oh wait no it wasn't. BECAUSE YOU DIDNT EVEN LET ME LIGHT ANYTHING."

"KING'S ASS! TAINT DON'T EVER DO THAT." she yelled as she walked back to the window she was going to look out of.

Meanwhile on the ground, Loz and his men began to coordinate their grappling hook throws. As they spun the hooks, the bald one tripped and almost knocked over Loz. "haha! GUYS! Check it out I stepped on a rabbit hole!" he said as the others threw their hooks in unison and latched on to the wing. "Hahaha! Sorry little guy! Calm down there! What the hell!" the bald one said as the hole's owner squeezed out between the dirt and his leg and began wildly hopping in tight circles. It finally decided to shoot off in one direction and disappeared into the tall grass.

"DAMNIT ANOTHER ONE! FUCKING BAD BATCH!" Taint yelled, hanging his head out the window again. "HEY GET THE HELL OFF MY PLANE! " He yelled, and flipped the offending forest crazies off. He walked out of the cockpit area and slammed down the nearest window, and began to climb out of it, finding that for some reason he was incredibly light and floaty as he did so. "The hell?" he said to himself, and shimmied himself along the wing and began to untie the ropes from the grappling hooks. "These are ours anyway, king's ass. YOU CAN KEEP YOUR FUCKING ROPE, BARK-CHEWERS."

Taint managed to untie one as soon as Loz and Horman grabbed on to the wing. Taint reached for his pickaxe strap but found that he had them laying somewhere in the cockpit. Taint grabbed the hook he had just untied and threw it at Horman, but the sudden change in its gravity caused it to arc wildly and fly about fifty yards, hitting nobody. This distracted Horman, however, who didn't notice the gentle breeze sweeping through the clearing blow the rope against his ankle, causing it to tangle loosely. Taint tossed himself back in the window as Loz steadied himself on the wing. Horman however took a step forward and tightened the rope around his ankle causing him to slip, float upwards, and freak out. "Thieves will be PUNISHED." Loz declared in a way similar to the way that dictators issue public executions. He grabbed the window that taint climbed through and ripped the lower half off, making the hole big enough for him to barely squeeze through.

Horman's retarded hillbilly shrieking and the sound of metal ripping drew the attention of Myen, who until this point had been asleep. He sat up, put some shorts on, and yanked the rod off the wall that previously held Topaz's privacy curtain. Meanwhile, Loz had managed to pull himself halfway inside the Air Grumpkin, finding that squeezing through the hole wasnâ't as much of a problem as it was having one half of you effected by gravity and the other half not. Taint took advantage of the situation and began throwing various junk scattered around the floor at Loz's head, none of which was heavy enough to do anything but annoy him. "The hell you doing in my plane, Loz?" He said as he walked to the other side of him where his pile of ammunition had collected, and began throwing it again. Loz tried turning himself upside down to get a better grip on the inside of the plane and pull himself in. "And why are you tearing holes in my plane, Loz? That is a dick move."

"THIS PLANE IS MINE!" Loz yelled as he managed to force himself in to the plane and stand up. Taint took off in a goofy half-skip half-run towards the back of the plane, hopping over boxes and such scattered around the floor. As Taint passed the door to the sleeping quarters, Myen exited it and immediately swung the curtain rod at Loz, flinging rings that the curtain was hung on directly at his head. Loz was briefly startled at the rings hitting him directly in the face and was startled again at being suddenly smacked in the throat with a metal rod before he even realized that Myen had leapt forward several feet. Two more hits to the face and ear later, Loz decided that the rod wasn't going to be much of a problem, caught it on its fourth swing and threw an uppercut that caught Myen on the shoulder as he attempted to dodge out of the way, sending him upwards into the ceiling before slamming back down to the floor. Myen, operating on what he called his "full-out ass-stomping mode", simply adjusted his attack plan from "smack guy in the face" to "impale guy's foot", and performed the actions that reflect this change by sitting up and impaling Loz's foot with the curtain rod. He then rolled into a backwards somersault and stood up again before hopping forward and planting his fist into the screaming mouth of the lunatic before him.

Feeling that she needed to help, Topaz grabbed her boo staff from the plane's floor and took a running joust at Loz's kidney from behind, but mostly missed and hit his asscheek, causing him to stumble forward and fall on top of Myen. "AH! SORRY!" she yelled as she climbed over them both and began to pull Myen out from under their halfsquatch enemy.

As she struggled to free Myen from Loz's growling and thrashing about, Taint came back up to the front of the plane in the same goofy half-run, half-skip, only this time holding one of his pickaxes. He raised it to strike as Topaz and Myen cleared out of the way, and as he began to bring it down upon Loz both cried out with the most threatening battle cries that either could manage, although everyone present would admit Taint's was severely underwhelming compared to Loz's. The pickaxe drove itself through Loz's left hand, coming to a stop as the handle hit his palm. The point had just lightly scratched the center of Loz's forehead, and blood began to leak all over his face from it as he stood up and pulled the pickaxe out of his hand. Taint took a few steps back and surveyed the situation: there was a gigantic bleeding berserker in his plane who now has a pickaxe. Rather than use the axe on its previous owner, Loz dropped it to the floor and delivered a powerful jab to Taint's chest using his injured left hand, sending him sailing backwards and slamming in to Topaz before they both landed on a pile of rope and loose dynamite. Myen rushed in for another stabbing attack with his curtain rod, but Loz struck the rod aside with a backhand before drawing his arm forward again to slap Myen into the wall with a sharp smack resembling a firecracker going off.

"COCKPIT COCKPIT COCKPIT GET TO THE COCKPIT GET UP THERE HOLY SHIT COCKPIT NOW EVERYBODY." Taint yelled as he scrambled through the messy floor and managed to dodge Loz's swinging fists. Myen managed to slip behind him unnoticed as he staggered about, thanks to most of Loz's attention being focused on Taint.

Once inside the cockpit, Taint turned to his left, raised his leg and placed his foot on Valk's shoulder before shoving him off the chair with an awkward kick to the face that knocked them both over. "WHAT THE HELL LET ME SLEEP!" Valk yelled as he turned himself upright, crawled over to Taint and punched him in the face.

"DAMNIT OW! QUIT BITCHING! THAT HAIRY FUCK IS BACK THERE!" Taint yelled as he lightly slapped Valk in the face several times."GET YOUR HAMMER OR SOMETHING! KING'S ASS!"

"BULLSHIT YOU JUST WANTED TO KICK ME IN THE FACE!" said Valk as he pulled back his fist to punch Taint again. Instead of punching Taint, he was kicked in the face by Loz as he entered the Cockpit.

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY COCKPIT!" Loz yelled as he picked up Taint by his necktie. He only got Taint to sit up before he was punched directly in the balls, causing him to double over and let go of the tie. Taint then punched Loz in the forehead as it came down to meet him, but mostly just injured his hand by slamming it in to Loz's thick skull. "POP-COOORN!" Taint yelled as he decided his third punch should be aimed the same place as the first. Unfortunately Loz managed to catch Taint's fist before it reached his delicate scrote. "HAMMER!" Taint yelled, and on that command Valk swung his sledgehammer upwards and caught Loz directly on the chin, causing him to lose his grip on Taint and stumble backwards.

"OKAY NOW JUST CHILL OUT, CHILL THE FUCK OUT!" Taint said as he pulled a stick of dynamite out from his coat and struck a match against the sandpaper strip on his pants. Myen and Valk scrambled to grab both the match and dynamite away from Taint but were stopped by him yelling "GODDAMNIT STAY THE HELL BACK I KNOW WHAT IM DOING!". Normally when someone is holding a stick of dynamite and a lit match on an airplane and says they know what they are doing, they wouldn't touch the match to the fuse and just sit there and hold it. Taint did this, proving once again that Taint shouldn't be trusted with dynamite or even his own airplane.

Loz's conscious self, who had been surveying the situation for the past few minutes from behind his fearsome rage, had the common sense to know that no matter how hard he punches it, a lit stick of dynamite will never wuss out and not explode. His conscious self also noticed that there was at least thirty sticks of dynamite just sitting in passenger seats and rolling around loose on the floor. Snapping himself back to his senses, Loz stood up and ran to the midsection of the plane and began to force himself back out the window he entered from, thinking that he'd rather take the chances breaking his neck jumping off the plane rather than take the chances of not getting the stick of dynamite out the window in time. Taint held the stick of dynamite just out of Myen and Valk's reach as he followed Loz.

"WOULD YOU TWO KNOCK IT OFF!? DAMN!" he said as he tucked the stick down the back of Loz's pants as his legs kicked around trying to get a foothold. "Valk, get rid of this clown." Valk quickly grabbed Loz's feet and pushed, dumping Loz out on to the wing. He quickly jumped off, screaming, hoping he could get far enough away from the plane before it exploded with enough force to create a new grand crater.

Taint walked back to the cockpit, chuckling lightly to himself. Myen, usually not the one to object to Taint's actions, grabbed his shoulder and yelled "ARE YOU GODDAMN CRAZY?!"

"YES." Taint replied, turning his head slightly and looking at Myen in the face with one wide, bugged eye.

"YOU LIT A STICK OF DYNAMITE IN THE FUCKING PLANE, TAINT, WHAT THE HELL!!" Myen continued.

"Haha, oh man! That was a dud! I should have told you. Wait did I? I think I did."

"WHAT?"

"I got a bad batch! Some dickhead doesn't know how to make a damn fuse or make it burn anything important."

As if it was waiting for that to be said, an echoing boom rang out from underneath the plane.

"OH SHIIIIIT! HAHAHAHA!" Taint hollered as he threw both fists into the air. Valk sat down in a chair, pulled his knees up to his chest and began to shiver as Myen stood there completely silent. "Yeah sometimes the fuse just kind of has this slow spot, and THAT," Taint pointed at Myen and Valk with both hands "is why you wait a few minutes before fucking around with a dud stick. You guys at least. I can fuck around with them. Because I rule." Taint sat down in the pilots seat and checked his compass. "Go see if Topaz is dead or something, I haven't heard her screaming for a bit now."



part of chain: Dynamite Kingdom
Or How To Make Effective Holes In The Earth Friends and Enemies
first - previous - next - latest



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