UPDATE: This playthrough is on hold indefinitely.

I was going to do a playthrough of Thief Gold so you could all listen to me make smartass comments and freak out whenever a spider gnaws my face off, but unfortunately every video recording program I can find is a piece of garbage. So I decided to dust off my PS2 and one of my favorite PS1 RPGs, Tales of Destiny, for my first foray into video game play-by-plays.

For those not familiar with the Tales series, this is the second game in it, and the first game to be released in the US. Unfortunately it's also pretty much the only one worth playing; Phantasia (the first) had a really clunky combat system, Eternia didn't appeal to me, and every one since has been so terrible that you'd be better off just buying a hantavirus-tainted CD case for $30. Not to mention that the character designs just suck harder and harder with every game. Case in point:



Seriously, this is the tackiest fucking outfit in the history of gaming. Also, what's with the white afro and the eyeliner? He looks like freaking Beetlejuice.



A stunning combination of a halter top, a white trenchcoat, a bright red mullet, and enough whining to make even a seven year old say "shut the fuck up, you ugly piece of shit!" Oh yeah, he's a clone of some other freak too, so his entire character development just boils down to OH GOD I'M A CLONE MY LIFE IS MEANINGLESS WHINE WHINE. Honestly, I can't even remember why I hated Tidus after putting up with this guy.

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That said, there were at least two more Tales games I wanted to give a shot. There was a direct sequel to Tales of Destiny called "Tales of Destiny 2" (not to be confused with the American release of Eternia), but sadly it was Japan exclusive. There was also a PS2 remake, but we tragically ended up with that piece of trash called Tales of the Abyss instead of that one.

But I digress. You've probably read my rants on this topic too many times to count, so let's just move on to what you came here for, the playthrough.

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What better way to start things off with the thing the gaming industry just couldn't wait to get the CD format out the door for, the animated intro:



This is one of the very few animated sequences in the game; for the most part it's just 2D, SNES-styled greatness with the occasional 3D effect thrown in. We'll be introducing all these characters as we go through the game.

The title screen music should also set the tone for the rest of the game's soundtrack, which is pretty stellar (and in fact one of my all-time favorites).

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Before we start on the game proper, I should fill you in on the back-story, as explained in (and shamelessly copied from) the manual:

One thousand years ago, a comet possessing special energies crashed into this world The planet's axis was thrown out of balance and may countries suffered great floods. The imact of the collision threw dust clouds into the air and blocked off all sunlight from the planet's surface, plunging the world into an artificial winter that lasted for decades.

Survivors raced to build floating cities in an effort to reach the warmth and light of the sun. It was during this time when a new source of energy called LENS was developed from the core material of the deadly comet.

The discovcery of Lens and further research fueled rapid advances in technology, and DYCROFT, an AEROPOLIS (a city in the sky) was completed within the short span of a year. However, only a select few were chosen to live in the Aeropolis, leaving the general population to remain on the cold, desolate, glacier-covered surface of the planet.

As time passed, those who lived on the Aeropolis came to call themselves the ATHEREANS and began their rule ofer the E'RTHERS, or the unfortunate outcast masses who lived on the surface. TheAetereans eventually developed the BELCRANT, a powerful and lethal weapon of mass destruction designed to punish the E'rthers who resisted their rule.

In time, E'rthers rebelled against the despotic rule of the Aethereans, thus beginning a full-scale war called the AETH'ER WARS. Although the Aethereans had an overwhelming advantage over the E'rthers at first, a group of Aetherean scientists who developed the deadly Belcrant defected to the surface out of their hatred for the despotic, elitist Aetherean regime. This was a pivotal moment in history that turned the tide against the Aethereans.

These scientists brought their knowledge of the latest Lens technologies and applied it to the development of the ultimate weapon, the SWORDIAN - a sword weapon imbued with sentience. These weapons finally enabled the E'rthers to resist the Aeropolis.

Thanks to the valiant efforts of warriors known as the Swordian Masters and their Swordians, scores of Aeropolis were destroyed and sunk to rest in the depths of the deepst seas. In the end, the E'rthers claimed victory over the Aetherians.

Some several hundred years after the Aeth'er Wars ended, people forgot about this terrible war and the Aethereans. In the meantime, the Swordians entered into stasis sleep since they were no longer required to fight the Aetherians. The Swordians would remain in their self-imposed sleep until they were called upon to battle evil once again...

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Now that that's out of the way, let's pick New Game.



It's the obligatory naming screen, perhaps one of console RPGs' greatest anachronisms since you really have no say in the main character's actions or the overall storyline anymore, except in very rare cases (witness the Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne). Amusingly, the game provides you with a "Random" option. Now, it may not be what you're thinking - instead of picking a random name, it literally just picks three to seven characters at random, so you can end up with names like "Zxoqakq" and "Qwbjjix".



So, time for some feedback from you, the reader: Name our protagonist! (Or just tell me to hit the Random button a few times, either will work).



Rattar has spoken: Our hero's name is Croc Solid. Croc for short, since his last name is pretty much set in stone.



We join Croc stowing away on board the Draconis, an airship traveling to the continent of Seinegald. Unfortunately for him, he's been discovered by two of the guards, who are trying to pummel him awake - a task they find rather difficult when they discover he's a total sloth.

Seriously, they pummel him for about 30 seconds before he finally wakes up.



He's reluctantly dragged to the Captain, where he explains he was just trying to catch a free ride. However, the Captain lets slip something about IT. Naturally we have no idea what he means yet, but that doesn't stop him from trying to pummel a confession out of Croc. Several beatings later, he finally relents, and Croc gets stuck on deck-swabbing duty.



Did I mention that this ship is awesome looking? Because it totally is.

Anyway, Croc and the guard argue for a bit before he finally gets to work.



Edge of your seat excitement.



Oh snap!



Attack of the adorable berserkers!

Your buddy gets brutally killed at this point, and since his weapon was confiscated earlier, Croc's left with little choice but to flee. Every path but one's blocked off by monsters, which leads you to a musty old storeroom. However, Croc catches a glimpse of something glimmering in the back and decides to take a look:



It's a sword, bound to the wall with chain. Not only that, it talks! He introduces himself as Dymlos, a living weapon called a "Swordian". Before he can say too much more, though, you're forced into the first battle of the game:



As you'd probably expect, it's pretty easy. A few swings or a single Fireball spell will fell the guy in no time flat.



Dymlos reveals that he's granted you the Fireball spell, as well as mentioning a bit more of his origin as a weapon crafted for the Ae'Ther Wars. From there, you're tasked with escaping the ship, which is considerably easier now that you're armed with an ancient super-weapon.

Gameplay vid of the above:



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However, you can also elect to travel around and gather up all the chests in the various rooms to get a few extra items, mostly various types of Gels (healing items) and a couple articles of armor.

I've a fairly juvenile sense of humor, so I also find this scene hilarious:



After you kill enough enemies, you'll also earn your first Technique, Missile Sword, basically just a weak projectile attack. Handy in the early stages though.

Techniques operate somewhat like the special attacks in Smash Brothers; you activate them by pressing X in conjunction with various directions on the D-pad, and can assign them however you want as you learn them.

Anyway, once you're done diddling around and fighting the weakest monsters known to man, you can head back up to the deck to advance the plot.



Surprise! Another fight. Still incredibly easy.



Croc insists on staying and killing them all to avenge the crew's deaths, which is surprisingly noble of him considering they were punching his kidneys out a few minutes ago. Dymlos basically tells him to get his ass off the ship before it goes down in flames, since he has some important destiny to fulfill. Croc agrees and takes the last escape pod; unfortunately for him, it's hit by a berserker's axe at the last second and goes falling a lot faster than it's supposed to. Croc crash-lands in a frozen lake several miles below.



Lucky for him, he's saved by a traveler named Garr, who reveals that he's in the mountains of Phandaria. Oddly, he seems to recognize Dymlos; Dymlos refuses to say anything to him, though.



Master Alba enters, asking Garr to find his granddaughter, who's apparently gotten lost in the mountains again. Despite his condition, Croc offers to help.

You may be gathering by now that Croc's something of a goodie-two-shoes; well, you'd be right. That'll come up quite a bit throughout the game.

Gameplay vid of the above:





Once the scene's over, you'll be able to loot Alba's cabin for a few goodies, including your first shield, which lets you parry physical attacks for half damage by holding the Square button. Always handy.

You'll also note that you have both a "weapon" slot and a "Swordian" slot. Allow me to explain this in greater detail.

Swordians are elemental weapons that actually level up through battle, gaining higher stats and more spells as their levels increase. However, they may not be as strong as currently-available "mundane" weapons, or enemies in the area may absorb your Swordian's particular element. Thus, you can switch another weapon into your Weapon slot temporarily to deal with stronger/elemental-resistant enemies. As long as you keep it equipped in the Swordian slot, though, it will continue to gain experience though battle. As you may have guessed, you meet other Swordian wielders later on, and you can swap Swordians among characters however you see fit; just as long as your Swordian's equipped by someone it'll continue to gain experience through fights.

There's also a "Disc" slot for each Swordian; Discs can be equipped to grant that Swordian higher stats or access to spells they wouldn't normally learn. Some of the game's most powerful spells can't be gotten any other way.

Unfortunately, unequipping a Swordian from the weapon slot prevents you from accessing its supply of spells.

Dymlos' element is Fire, since RPG heroes almost invariably end up with the Fire or Wind element, and is well balanced for both slashing and stabbing attacks. His spells aren't too shabby either, though they're outclassed by most of the Swordians you meet later.

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A somewhat hidden feature in the game is the ability to rename any character in your party by going under the Status menu and pressing the L1 button. So, if you have a better name for Garr or just want me to hit the Random button a few times, speak up now!

- Aquas <- 10:45:35 pm, sunday, february 17th, 2008 pst <- (updated 10:46:22 pm, sun, feb 17th, 2008 pst)
- Spoony Spoonicus <- 11:22:42 pm, sunday, february 17th, 2008 pst <- (updated 11:53:55 pm, sun, feb 17th, 2008 pst)