From a point-blank range, the blowout is intense. It blasts through like the birth of the bastard child of of WD-40 and dynamite. Picture that for a second. Let it sink it. Which ironically is the part that happens next.

If you're sitting there wanting to watch it hit post-blow, from this angle, get the hell out of the way. What are you doing, man? You got no time. It's probably already hit you. It's almost impossible to see it at this angle unless you're doing something wrong, something non-standard. And honestly, you'd have to be one sick son of a bitch to be there, in that spot. Hell, I think there's a fetish for this. You discover that it exists on accident, and it's cleverly disguised.

Let's just say you got out of the way in time. Great. I'd say the worst part is over, but you got a splash to deal with, and it can be a real dick. It's the same type of explosion as before, but in the opposite direction, and more wet. If you're lucky. Oh god if you're lucky.

My sister once called the part The Tickler. It's a lot better for girls, I think they get a kick out of the action for obvious reasons, if the angle is right, if the shock is good enough. You have to work with physics, this is a science. And if you've got a dude staring at the point of expulsion you won't even get to this part. But maybe that's your thing, you're into that. That's fine, dude. I guess. Just don't cleverly name videos of it across the net so I stumble upon it with full wood and a head full of Expectations.

This part is the relief, the calm of the storm. The whole process can kick out two, three, eight of these, depending on your situation, what you're working with and prepared for. It's like a hurricane with multiple eyes, with gale force winds. If this was a film it would be a multi-act high-octane thriller. For real men, this is a Michael Bay flick, and it's one hell of a ride.

You ain't done. You've got to clean up. This is simple shit, they teach this to kids, but most people who try this do it wrong, don't get enough, and men like me pay for it later with cuts to the area, dirty zoning like some sort of sick version of cleaning up weeds in Animal Crossing. You have to get in there when you're on janitor duty post-drop. Some stay sitting for this. I can't do that. I've got to get on my feet, concentrate, and dig in for the kill. Be a man about it. You think James Bond sits idly by and sort of dabbles the area? Fuck you. This man lives and dies by the bullet, and he'll risk taking one himself to get the job done, to solve problems.

Now get up and flush and be sure to hit the air freshener on the way out. Don't be a dick.