Spinmaster is a NeoGeo arcade platformer released in 1993, developed by Data East, which I just now played for exactly 2 and a half minutes, which is all it took to beat its first chapter (and for my microwave pizza to cook), after it popped up on random on my work's MAME cabinet. Dubbed "Miracle Adventure" in Japan, the game consists of a side-scrolling tale apparently involving a go-getter with a yo-yo who's decided to destroy some sort of army. They appear to be Russian and Arabic at the same time. Who knows what the hell is going on. It's doubtful Data East did. Instead of reviewing the game's playability and bullshit like that, let's see if we can make some sense of the first chapter.

This chut on the left is our hero. I call him Heavy Roller. The dude packs one hell of a yo-yo; the thing's larger than his fist. How does one control that? We certainly can't ask that retarded treasure-vulture. That thing's about to be put out of its misery.

At the start of this adventure, Heavy Roller busts out of the left side of the screen and onto the enemy's base camp, just because he can. And he's too rad to just leave it all standing, and you can then take control and proceed to kill anything that moves, as well as a love bus that's just chillin'. I'd have stolen it if I could, but apparently the game's developers frown upon logical strategic moves.

Not only do you get to bust up Smurfs asinine army men, but apparently a yo-yo is their weakness, as a one-two shot to the chest takes them down, for good. My working theory here is that the prime minister of Russiarabia has proposed a ban on yo-yos that Heavy Roller is ironically fighting against. How little he realizes that once he takes his vengeance, he will have justified the regime's anti-yo-yo policy.

Quickly Heavy Roller knocks down the base's door and you begin to make your way through their initial hanger. It is here where you get your first taste of the game's gimmick: while it's called Spinmaster, there are tons of different power-ups for you to grab throughout (presumably) each level, conveniently stored in assorted treasure chests the dudes just left sitting around. I assume the translators started up the game, hit the A button, saw a yo-yo, and wrote down the first thing that popped into their head. Ninja stars, bombs, and blue things that explode but are not actually bombs are just a few of the many ridiculous bullshit you'll find that you can throw at these assholes, and that's just what I found in the first 60 seconds.

My favorite? The boxing glove. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a screenshot of it in action, but it's straight out of Pokey the Penguin; instead of putting the things on and, you know, punching shit, Heavy Roller favors throwing the boxing glove at enemies. The guy's got a hardon for projectile pummeling.

Just as you get towards the end of the hanger, a gigantic bomb (much like the one see to the right) manifests itself onto screen, and your character, seemingly literally, based on his reaction, shits his pants, and is rocketed by the explosion onto an airplane a few miles to the east, unharmed, pony-tail intact -- despite the fact that a gigantic bomb he throws himself has absolutely no effect on him. I'd call this a badass sequence if what I had equipped was two sticks of dynamite and my character was Taint Bigsby. But instead I've got a pair of police badges in my hand and a predisposition to 80s rock bands. Now begins the final stretch of the level.

With stars blazing and apparently a lighter colored clone in this screenshot, Heavy Roller decides to trek across the length of the top of a launched airplane instead of just dropping down into the thing to keep from blowing away and falling to his doom. I like his style.

At this point it dawned on me that the main character really has no idea what the hell he's doing, as I'm sure he didn't plan to wind up blown onto the longest airplane every built by some sort of giant ACME-brand explosive. This kid is quickly in over his head, but after a defective bird drops a golden treasure chest after being murdered which contains boxing gloves, he quickly uses them to punch away any doubt in his mind that he's not about to kick a lot of ass. Based on the random screenshots I found of this game, the dude seems to just be on ass-kicking auto-pilot, traversing the land of Russiarabia looking for asses to kick, and treasure to throw.

Now we meet the level's boss, and probably the captain of the Russiarabian Airpirates, a man I like to call Dr. Robo Bombieski. The dude's got a hardon for bombs, and also cliche paintjobs, outfits, and motor vehicles. We've got ourselves a lame boss battle, ladies and gentlemen.

Bombieski seems pretty content with dropping bombs on his own ship and crew sit within. Not only that, but his tiny shitcraft actually popped out of the front of the very ship the main character is standing on, meaning instead of a nice cockpit at the head of this gigantic dick-shaped air fortress, we've got a big gaping hole. Nice. This makes about as much sense as a midget Italian running through gigantic pipes in a world of pissed off turtles and dudes with mushrooms for noggins.

After quickly sending the evil doctor's contraption flying away a la Darth Vader's tie fighter, you're greeted with obnoxious text awarding you a score for beating the chapter. Then you're shit into a desert. What the hell? No one knows.

All in all, the game is actually pretty fun, albeit easy as hell. If you're like us dudes and enjoy a nice ridiculous 2D game that reeks of Metal Slug/Nintendo logic style mayhem, I recommend illegally playing this game as soon as possible. I may find this puppy myself at some point and extend this article, but don't hold your goddamn breath.

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Images stolen from mobygames.

- Vinic <- 12:22:27 pm, monday, march 17th, 2008 pdt
- RedCappy <- 12:59:18 pm, monday, march 17th, 2008 pdt
- SHITTLE <- 6:37:45 am, tuesday, march 18th, 2008 pdt <- (updated 5:02:52 am, wed, mar 19th, 2008 pdt)
- Spoony Spoonicus <- 8:23:52 pm, tuesday, march 18th, 2008 pdt <- (updated 8:24:25 pm, tue, mar 18th, 2008 pdt)
- Vinic <- 5:03:08 am, wednesday, march 19th, 2008 pdt