---

Are you missing your left leg? Did you go to scratch your ass but miss? Did you try to give some troll with a bad accent and worse sense of direction the finger, but ended up raising a stump like some sort of creep? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions (or can't because you lack a tongue), then you've come to the right page, dear adventurer.

Limb removal can be classified as a first-class epidemic in the world of the adventuring professionals, outranking both alcohol poisoning and the clap combined. In fact, the Surgeon General issued a pamphlet providing information about this rampant phenomena, but after he realized most of the people who needed to read it either lacked eyes or the necessary gear to hold it up to their face (and even friends, because they are ugly-ass, stumped freaks), he canceled production.

Luckily for you, dear adventurer, the book you're holding is pretty fucking rad, and most fellow adventurers who pass you by as you lay in a bloody, disturbing heap with this book laying next to you will gladly open it for you to this page and stick it in front of your face for a few minutes until you make some sort of gargled noise to signal your completed perusal of its contents -- most of them have the page number memorized, due to necessity and repetition.

Most adventurers will agree that the first thing you should do upon losing one or more of your extremities (arms or legs -- the most common form of body part lacking) is yell and scream for a bit. This will not only alert any fellow adventurers to your condition (it's a very specific kind of yell, you'll find) so they may provide some medical assistance, but it may also have the opposite affect of attracting monsters, particularly the one who removed your appendage in the first place, so they or it can put you out of your misery. Plus, screaming will help dull the pain and most likely will cause you to hyperventilate and pass out, both of which are pretty much way cooler than intense, mind-fucking agony.

Once the bleeding has stopped and the stump healed over (re-attaching severed limbs is rarely an option, as usually whatever offed the thing has eaten it or threw it to his pals for their collection), you're free to begin shopping for badass replacements. The more badass the better. Common arm and leg replacements include wooden planks, spears, table legs, bats, hefty swords, and someone else's arm and leg that you removed. More advanced (and rich) adventurers aim high and opt for robotic arm and leg replacements, firearms, bazookas, military-issue flamethrowers, and three-tier crossbows. Clever adventurers have been reported with rubber chickens attached to their elbows, or a nullified atomic bomb for a right leg, but these types of replacements, we are required to inform you, are not endorsed by our publisher. However, we, the writers, highly recommend such shenanigans, and would pay a high price for pictures.

Really, the only other kind of "body-part extraction" (the official, pussy term) is losing your head. While the metaphorical sense of the term is not only more common than the literal, it's also highly recommended. For the literal, though, there is no known cure. Unless you invert the definition to "entire body extraction", in which case you can get your head experimentally attached to shit for the sake of science.

This is also something we highly recommend. But don't tell our publisher.

---