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So, dear adventurer, you're balls deep in the Pits of Yasla, and resting right at your feet is the legendary Axe of the Green King. Unfortunately you're becoming an easy target for the local demons because you're carrying the legendary axes of the Red, Orange, Yellow, Blue, Indigo and Violet kings, too. Not only do they rattle around noisily hanging off your backpack straps, they are pretty much painted neon. This is where you must learn an important lesson in Swag Management.

The most important part of swag management is to make sure your backpack is the proper size. Imagine if a particularly cruel fiend hacked your limbs and head off, and then as a joke stuffed your gorey remains into your own backpack. Will he have to struggle to fit it all in? If so, then your backpack is not big enough. Go up a few sizes until you find one that CAN hold your neatly-packed dead body, and then pray that nobody has the opportunity to see if you picked the right size. If you choose a bag that is too large you may find yourself struggling to drag it around because you're too much of a fuck head to throw anything out. It is also a good idea to pick a pack with lots of extra side-pockets and straps for holding things such as potions, coins, beer cans, jerky, and spare weapons. Make sure the spare weapons and jerky are on the straps for quick access, so that you can reach behind you and grab the jerky first, then the sword. Throwing the jerky may distract an attacking beast giving you oppertunity to attack or run like the damn blazes.

Your belt is also an ideal spot for storing small items. Many young adventurers have trouble choosing a proper belt. Most go for the ones with the most pouches and loops on them for storing potions and daggers, and then make fools of themselves in combat when their pants fall down and everyone gets a look at their johnson. The best choice is one with two pouches to either side (above your pockets), and a loop to either side of them. Put some jerky in the loops, too.

Unfortunately, dear adventurer, that no matter how carefully planned your storage options are, there will always come a time where you simply dont have enough space to haul everything out yourself. There are a few simple solutions to this problem. One is to bring a wagon pulled by a beast of burden, and a few friends. Rarely will you find such a treasure trove that four adventurers with proper loot storage capacities cannot completely plunder and haul away back home. When they get everything to the wagon and load it up, kill them. Blame it on goblins. If you think the townspeople might ask why they didnt just kill and eat the horse too, kill the horse. An alternate option is to keep your pack carefully sorted by order of value. Once you come across a really nice spear but you're more of the hammer-swinging type, you may wish to consider getting rid of one of your rusty old hammers to make room for the spear which might fetch a nice price at the pawn shop. If the shop owner doesn't want to give you a fair price for it, you can stab him with it. Nobody will link you to the crime. You use sledgehammers.

There are some adventurers that have been forunate to discover magical Swag Bags, created by a handful of wizards long ago while on a week long bender. If you come across one, be sure to tip it upside down and wait for the gallons of ancient booze vomit to ooze out, then take a hose to it. Do this over a cliff, we cannot stress this enough. After you have cleaned it out you may want to take your bag to the local apothecary and purchase a potion of fresh scents. Put the potion in the sack and give it a sharp whack against a wall or table. Your Swag Bag is now ready for use. You can cram just about anything in one of these babies, and it'll never run out of room. It will just keep growing larger and larger and the weight of the whole thing will never grow more than a few pounds. The only possible problem you can run in to with one of these is not being able to fit it through a doorway, but thanks to the pliable nature of the sack the only way you'll meet this situation is if you have something in the bag that is bigger than the doorway itself, such as a severed dragon head or a howitzer.

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