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So, you're lost. First thing, turn around.

If you've seen what you're looking at more than once before, you're definitely lost, and going in circles. If not, just keep going that direction. You'll get back. If you find you can't remember seeing anything you're looking at, you're probably coming off the drugs. Don't panic, that's what they want you to do.

Check the local fauna. If it is on fire, you're next. If you're ballsy, breath in heavily, you may come to again in a basement or minimum security prison. If it's not on fire, then you should be fine for a few minutes.

Take a moment to figure out what time of day it is. This will help to eliminate potential predators roaming nearby. If you can see the sun, stop looking at it, you'll just blind yourself, and there's nothing worse than being lost and blind. Well, maybe being lost, blind, and deaf, but you may be surrounded by all this torched fauna, which can ease your burdens. If you can't see the sun, but can still see other things, it's probably either sunset or sunrise. This is called the "lull period", during which time you can take a shit, clean yourself up. But hurry up, within a few minutes, there will probably be some noises.

These noises, and understanding what they mean, is key to your survival.

If the noises sound like birds singing, you're in a gay forest, consider yourself in a safe haven. No predator wants to be caught hanging out in one of these. At least not the kind we're worried about at this point.

If you hear the sounds of body parts exploding (I'm sure you know that noise by now), then Jesus Christ, you need to read on fast. You're most likely in a place where people die. And not by choice.

You're one of these people.

At this point, because you're lost, who knows which direction you need to go. I wish I could give you some sort of amazing tips about how to cleverly deduce which way is the best way to high-tail it, but we all know that giving you bullshit will just piss you off even more than you already are. So let's just try to think logically.

You have no idea how you got here. So when you leave, use the same logic and try not to notice you're doing it. It should be easy, as you're probably thinking of the terrible ways that you may be about to explode. With any luck, you'll suddenly find yourself in some sort of bar or gay forest.

Either way, you'll be drinking heavily. And learning the hard way to check your ass.

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