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Here you are, a big chunk out of your neck, laying on what looks like a butcher shop floor coated in about an inch of your blood and your two best friend's blood. You're mostly sure you're in one piece, judging by all the peices you can spot not looking familiar to your body. You judge yourself fit to sit up, and with your muscles screeching like a stopping train you manage to bend at a 90 degree angle and confirm that yes, your friends are dead, and yes, you are a vampire now.

The first thing you will want to do, dear adventurer, is to look at the bright side. Vampires can still draw pleasure from the basic joys of all adventurers. Booze, Killing, Gathering Loot, and Boning. The only trick is now you have to figure out ways to make it come to you, seeing as how your days as a wandering heroic beacon of light are now over and your effective range is pretty much limited to the county you just died in. The second thing you will want to do is realize that you're a vampire and theres no cure for that.

You'll need help getting through this, dear vampire, so the first thing you should do is drink up any loose blood on the floor. Think of yourself as a plant gaining its first bits of energy to grow from the seed it sprouted from. Once you're feeling strong enough, the next task is judge if its day or night. DO NOT quickly rush to the nearest window. carefully approach any room which seems to be emitting light. Slowly and carefully lift any windowshades and take a peek outside.

-If you see the moon, then you can only determine that it's night.
-If you see the sun, quickly pull your face back from the window as it is about to start ashing up on you. If you are burnt, do not dunk your face in water, this makes it worse. Do not use any holy-typed god's name as a cuss word, as most of them have certain spells on their name that may make vampires spit up a roach every time you say it. You are one now.
-If you see the sun and you dont feel any worse than you already do, then you just lapped up a bunch of your best friend's blood earlier for no good reason.
-If its night, the next thing you should do is go lick some silver.
-If it burns, then you are a vampire.
-If it doesn't, then you lapped up a bunch of your best friend's blood earlier for no good reason.

Now you should determine if your area is lightproof enough for you to survive. If you're feeling slightly warm, then you will need to move to a darker area. For the time being, small closets and under sinks will suffice. If you cant fit in a sufficiently dark spot, make use of your first new cool ability as a vampire: turn into a bat. Once it is night time you may want to seek a new shelter. Preferrable spots are abandoned houses, sewers, or creepy churches with high rafters. You'll also need to drink blood from time to time, so every few nights you may want to wander down to the nearest village and just bite somebody's head off. Try to clean up after yourself, dear vampire, as dismembered corpses and bloodsplattered walls will hasten the tide of incoming adventurers.

When they do come, dear vampire, refer to "So you're fighting a vampire, make the best of it!" and keep in mind everything that it tells you to watch out for. You can now do all those things that you had to watch out for previously! Burst into flames, spit your teeth like bullets, grow your fingernails in to claws, everything! the best part is the secret panel under the flap labled "for female adventurers only". Go ahead and read it now if you haven't already, you'll like what you find.

You might be thinking "well hell why dont i just become a vampire on purpose?". While it does sound good keep in mind that adventurers will be crashing into your palace at every odd-ass hour, just like you used to back in the day. Also keep in mind that they probably have this guide, and know how to deal with you. Your sleep hours will double and your fun time hours will be cut in half. But most importantly other vampires in the area will know you're around and come to hang out with you sometimes, and a lot them are the type that frequent night clubs and wear trenchcoats.

Once you have you have exercised your abilities far enough and killed at least a dozen adventurers, dear vampire, you are probably strong enough to go claim the nearest castle or similar structure. Plot out your course and mark areas to seek shelter from the light, and prepare a night in advance before attacking the castle. It should be fairly easy, as most guards crumble like cheap cars infront of vampires. Ditch all corpses in the moat and start setting things up just the way you like it. Take hints from dungeons you raided in your previous life, and make ample use of traps and hallways cursed to twist around forever. Make sure to turn most adventurers you kill into ghouls for protection, as a well armed ghoul can take down a whole group of weaker adventurers. You can also use them to start raiding nearby towns for valuable goods and harem fodder, effectively taking all the dangerous stuff out of your previous job and yet leaving you with all the rewards.

One last thing, dear vampire: if you hear the name "Belmont", just run like hell.

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- O'Doyle Flush <- 10:01:51 pm, friday, may 16th, 2008 pdt
- Buddy Hatchett <- 10:03:05 pm, friday, may 16th, 2008 pdt
- O'Doyle Flush <- 10:04:27 pm, friday, may 16th, 2008 pdt
- Alpha Communicator <- 4:24:24 pm, saturday, may 17th, 2008 pdt