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This time featuring a game you probably weren't tricked into playing on name recognition!

Platina: Life is wonderful even though my mother is a terrible bitch, la la la
Lucian: Hey Platina, you've been sold into slavery, let's run!
Platina: Oh shit we wandered into the field of poison flowers and we're both dying horribly.
Lucian: Sucks to be us.

Time passes

Arngrim: I'm so MACHO! Behold my enormous sword and armor that barely covers a third of me!
Jelanda: I attempt to avenge you insulting my father but only succeed in making a fool of myself
Arngrim: Heheheh, idiot.
Jelanda: And now I turn into Satan and kill a few people with completely inappropriate Matrix effects.

Arngrim: She was a whiny dolt, but she didn't deserve this. Grrr, generic necromancer, I'll kill you!
Generic Necromancer: I kill you with one wave of my hand.
Lenneth Valkyrie: And I kill you back, foul desecrator of the dead!
Generic Necromancer: Arg
Lenneth: Now come help me recruit souls and kill thousands of the same eight monsters, swordsman.
Arngrim: Lead the way, First Lady of Awful Voice Acting.
Jelanda: I'm here too. Also I became a really powerful sorceress for some reason.

They travel around the planet slaying thousands of undead and stealing Odin's goodies, taking the occasional break to deck out some new Einherjar and send them off to fight the Ragnarok war. The game eventually gets bored of handing out quests for a while so Valkyrie and crew are stuck wandering around for the last fourteen hours of the period doing nothing

Lenneth: I can apparently buy items and heal my HP while flying around on the map, so is there any point to these towns?
Freya: No.
Lenneth: So being here is just a gigantic waste of time? What's the point of even having towns then?
Freya: Beginner's trap to make you waste hours you could spend killing things and leveling up. Except you can't because the game only gives out two or three quests per chapter and occasionally lets you access a stupidly difficult random dungeon where everything can kill you in one hit.
Lenneth: Lovely.

They piss around wasting time until the end of the chapter, then repeat the process a few more times before this scene finally comes up

Lezard: I have an enormous boner for Valkyrie so I'm making thousands of homonculi that look like her. It is also heavily implied that I am a pedophile.
Lenneth: Prepare to die, foul desecrator of the dead!
Lezard: Despite loving you I'm trying my damndest to kill you.

They lose to Lezard within two turns

Lenneth: Why the hell was this dungeon so hard, anyway? Everything before it was easy shit.
Freya: Everything in this game is picked randomly; you just got an assortment of easy levels so you had no chance to power up. Also since you lost to Lezard you just botched the only chance at seeing any real plot in the game.
Lenneth: Now I can only get Shitty Ending B and Shittier Ending C?
Freya: Yep.
Lenneth: Fuck that. Hit reset.

They luck out the second time through and get a better pick of levels and thus stand half a chance in Lezard's tower.

Lucian: Hey, remember me?
Lenneth: No. Go to Valhalla and fight now.
Lucian: Okay, then here's this earring. I have a feeling you know where the other one is.
Lenneth: Yeah, I went and got it at the beginning of the game. What's it do?
Lucian: You're SUPPOSED to go and get it after I mention it! You can't get the good ending otherwise!
Lenneth: How the hell am I supposed to know that?!
Lucian: Beats me.
Lenneth: Moreover, why even make it available from square one if all it does is screw up the game if you do?!
Lucian: Because Tri-Ace never thinks anything through.
Lenneth: *Exasperated sigh* Goddamnit. Hit reset again.
Arngrim: *Sigh* I'm really getting tired of that unskippable 30-minute opening cinema.
Lenneth: Suck it up.

Checking a guide, Lenneth restarts again, does the earring event right and jumps through a whole bunch of other stupid hoops the game gives you no clues for.

Lucian: You remember who I am now, right?
Lenneth: Yeah, I'm Platina and you're Lucian. I'd better remember that after going through all that nonsense.
Lucian: Okay, let's meet again once Ragnarok's over.
Lenneth: Sure.

Several more boring quests ensue, including a confrontation with a stock vampire character. No, you can't defeat him, and if you try you'll fuck up the plot and have to start all over again.

Hrist: SURPRISE, you know too much, now I am taking over your body and erasing your memories!
Arngrim: To hell with that, I'm not sitting through that intro again.

They kill Hrist and manage to save Valkyrie's soul with the help of Lezard. Yes, LEZARD. The villain. Meanwhile, Lucian meets Loki.

Loki: With this forbidden mirror you can see Lenneth wherever she is!
Lucian: Neat. Say, why are you helping me, anyway?
Loki: So I can stab you in the back under the pretext of killing a traitor and steal the Dragon's Orb for myself to become all-powerful.
Lucian: Oh.

Loki kills Lucian, murders Odin and destroys both Asgard and Midgard, making the whole Ragnarok plot irrelevant.

Lenneth: Okay, I'm built up to Level 35 and have the best shit I can possibly buy, let's fight Loki before he destroys the last 1% of the universe.

Bloodbath: Not so fast, you must fight through my goons first!

Lenneth and company decimate them all with one solid blow

Bloodbath: Hahaha, that was just a joke. Now FEEL MY FLAME!

Lenneth and company die in two blasts

Lenneth: What the fuck? Your minions are easy as hell, why can't I even DAMAGE you?!
Bloodbath: You mean you didn't get the ring that you need to find in some obscure castle and use tedious object stacking to reach and then equip it to transmute this jewel into another item and then equip THAT to transmute the original ring into a better ring to be able to transmute a very specific sword into the weapon I'm weak against?
Lenneth: ...No.
Bloodbath: HAH! You idiot! That's the only thing in the game capable of doing more than triple-digit damage to my 222,000 HP! You're fucked!
Lenneth: Damn it, now I have to go back and grind some more.
Arngrim: We can't. There's no going back once you come here.
Lenneth: You mean we're completely screwed?
Arngrim: Yep. Hit reset again and for the love of god PRAY we get a better level set this time so we don't die in two turns.
Lenneth: Fuck that noise. Tri-Ace can either read up on plot logic and game balance or get out of the business.

Lenneth gives up in frustration and then the universe is destroyed. Who cares, play a real RPG.

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- Spoony Spoonicus <- 8:46:53 pm, tuesday, august 5th, 2008 pdt <- (updated 12:35:23 am, sat, sep 6th, 2008 pdt)
- Azul Rojo <- 11:29:55 pm, saturday, september 6th, 2008 pdt
- Spoony Spoonicus <- 8:12:41 pm, sunday, september 7th, 2008 pdt