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Agh jesus, I wake up not even knowing its monday to find that yes indeed, it is monday, and yes indeed, theres new shit on the wii shop to blow my money on.

So I decided upon Cocoto Fishing Master for 700 wii points, or $7.44 in real cash after tax. It's good to know exactly how much money you've just flushed down your leaky, piss-stained toilet when you buy a crapper like this one. The basic gist of this game is fishing, but they went and added a story mode about some loch ness monster god whos son kicked him out of his kingdom, so he went somewhere secret and fell asleep for a thousand years or so. Theres some shit about a cauldron spewing lava everywhere and a fairy that hangs out with a bunch of cartoon demons but whatever. you're fishing and you have to capture five thousand-year-old fish to stop that crazy ass cauldron, and to catch these old-fuck fish, you need to catch a lot of other fish and sell them. No problem for most fishermen, but Cocoto, in his infinite stupidity, forgot to bring a hook apparently.

Fish are next to impossible to catch. You cast your line by flicking the remote, then when a fish spots it, you play a little "tease the fish" mini game until he bites. When he finally does bite, theres a little "!" indicator at the bottom left, most likely representing that you're supposed to tug up on the wiimote when it appears. WRONG. This indicator serves no purpose other than to fuck with you and make you lose your fish. You have to set the line within a miniscule, near impossible to detect moment that the fish's mouth closes on the bait. Any sooner or later and the fish just leaves. He doesn't even take the bait, he just wanted to give it a taste and head home.

After about 10-15 tries you may notice that you actually managed to yank a curved metal spike through the son of a bitch's lips. Now you spin your nunchuck around, and if you're LUCKY, you'll start reeling in. The motion detection on this part is just god awful, people. Horrible. If you dont spin fast enough, then your fish pulls your line back to where he started at, and if you spin too fast, it snaps the line. So you have to find this golden sweet spot and then spin it at that exact speed for 30 seconds.

Did you catch that asshole!? YOU GOT HIM!? hell yes! lets take him to the shop and cash him in for some jewels to buy that badass new fishing rod we saw earlier. Fucking yeah, i got ten jewels for that fucker, now i have to catch nine more of these assholes to buy that new rod and FUCK THIS GAME.

The motion detection is horrible, the graphics are okay i guess because im assuming the developers were going for a butt-ugly look on all its characters, and the gameplay, once you finally get the hang of it after an hour of repeated failure, turns out to be just boring as hell. I know its fishing but at least most other fishing games have competition with computer controlled anglers and such.

score:

How is it that a game i just spent seven dollars on is harder to control and less fun than fishing mini-games thrown into half the RPGs ever made as a poorly planned last minute addition?

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- Spoony Spoonicus <- 2:52:32 pm, monday, june 16th, 2008 pdt